


I'll Fix you With my Love

by jilliangilbert



Category: Ghostbusters (2016), Ghostbusters Answer The Call
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Anxious Erin, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Falling In Love, Femslash, Firehouse Renovations, Fluff and Angst, Ghostbusters Hiatus, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, Minor Character Death, Neurodiversity, Romance, Slow Burn, Swimming, Vacation, Vulnerable Holtz
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-06 23:28:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 26,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11046570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jilliangilbert/pseuds/jilliangilbert
Summary: The ghostbusters are on a hiatus while the Firehouse undergoes renovationsErin and Holtzmann spend time away from work together in a cottage, and eventually Erin teaches an apprehensive Holtz how to swim+ Erin learns everything that's important about herself and life thru getting to know Jillian Holtzmann





	1. Hiatus

**Author's Note:**

> I love reading/replying to comments :,)

The Ghostbusters are about to embark on their first ghostbusting hiatus. The city has mandated that they take a four week paid-vacation; and they can use this time however they want.

 

The mayor’s office, aka Jennifer Lynch, has arranged renovations for the firehouse, so the team’s work can’t continue there for the time being. They all decide to take great advantage of their time off.

 

They're all busily scrambling around, getting everything prepared to be on hiatus, as Jennifer has called in a cleaning crew to begin the next day.

 

Abby has an extensive list that includes a solar powered fridge for Holtzmann’s snacks. Holtzmann insisted it be eco-friendly and Abby makes sure this request is honored.

 

Patty, who’s been studying architectural and interior design at NYIT, put in her design requests for bookcases and new furniture. In addition to an upgrade to the lab areas, the city has agreed to renovate the living quarters as well. “But the pole STAYS!” the resident engineer quips.

 

Erin’s list involves a new digital smart board, and better, more functional lighting. She’s also tacked on some smaller but necessary items like calculators, touchscreen laptops compatible with Holtz’s engineering software, as well as gel pens, and sketch paper – she just discovered Lisa Frank has rebooted their brand and wants everything.

 

Since becoming better friends with Dr. Jillian Holtzmann, Erin has begun to embrace her inner child. Making this list feels like the first day of school and her excitement is palpable.

 

Meanwhile, Holtz’s preparations include making signs that say “Don’t touch THAT,” and sticking them by all of her equipment, lest anyone become human confetti from spontaneous combustion.

 

She adds little drawings to her signs, smiling to herself.

 

“Baby, you know when they re-do the floors, they may have to “touch THAT” Patty mimes air-quotes, “Plus I’ve requested they add a wall here, remove that one, and open up this room...”

 

“Have you been watching too many home renovation docs, Patricia?” Holtz grins.

 

“There’s no such thing as too many home renovation docs,” Patty deadpans.

 

“Youuu’re right, Patty, as always,” Holtz gushes, wrapping her arms around the taller woman’s waist, resting her head on Patty’s chest.

 

“Which is whyyyyyy,” Holtz draws out, pulling back from the embrace, “I built these platforms,” she bends down under her lab equipment showing Patty that the platforms have pop-out wheels and can be rolled out of the way as needed.

 

“They can touch the platforms, just not my babies,” Holtz coos.

 

“Well how’re they gonna? – ”

 

“Like this!” Holtz exclaims, stomping twice on the platform to reveal a spring that pops out a 3 foot lever used to tote the cart like a wagon.

 

“Alright baby… you might wanna make a note of that on your little sign,” Patty laughs.

 

“I love you, Holtzy.”

 

“I love you more,” Holtz winks.

 


	2. First Pitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> proud mom Erin might be my favourite Erin

Abby, Erin, Patty, and Holtzmann are invited to a New York Mets baseball game to kick off their first official week of hiatus; and Holtz has been asked to throw the first pitch.

 

The inventor is excited but also shy about being front and center so Abby offers to go onto the mound with her, dressed in head to toe Mets attire – bright orange and blue knee socks and baseball cap included.

 

Patty’s sporting a custom Mets jersey with the name Holtzmann and the #1 on the back; and cheering wildly near the catcher.

 

Erin stands over on the first base line taking photos with her 35mm camera like a proud mom, giving Holtz a thumbs up.

 

The engineer sports an oversized Yankees jersey, which earns her some considerable booing when the quad first arrives, until Abby loudly explains into a microphone she snatches from an announcer that Holtz got confused between the two teams and meant no disrespect,

 “And if ANY of you ‘boo’ my friend ONE MORE TIME I will come up to your seat and pull your underwear out of your pants and over your head!!”

 

Under the rival’s jersey, the blonde’s wearing a worn-out pair of red and white striped shorts with scrunched white socks and purple running shoes on her size 7.5 feet. Erin makes a mental note to lay Holtz’s outfit out for her next time they’re going to do a public event. She suspects her nerves had something to do with the jersey mistake.

 

Holtz turns to wink at Erin before rearing back and pitching a 75mph curve ball right into the catcher’s glove.

 

“Hell yeah!” Patty cheers, “That’s my Holtzy!”

 

The stunned but impressed catcher signs the ball for a grinning Holtz as she saunters over to receive it.

 

“I should probably be getting your autograph, Dr. Holtzmann,” the catcher says, high-fiving the engineer.

 

Heading off the field to take their seats, Holtz hands Erin the signed baseball. The physicist squeals at the gesture and throws her arms around her teammate.

 

Looking adorable in a soft white Henley and denim shorts, Holtz lets Erin’s embrace linger.

                                                                                              

When they pull apart, Holtz’s striking eyes are transfixed on Erin’s. She’s sweaty and perfect; and Erin knows she’s never seen anyone so cute in all her life.

 

Erin has truly never known anyone like Holtzmann. Even with the jersey mix-up, she adores the way Holtz dresses for comfort and her own delight.

 

“Hey…Holtzmann,” Erin begins slowly, as they make their way up the stadium to their seats. Holtzmann has one hand on the railing, the other on the small of Erin’s back, leaning in to listen.

 

Erin continues, “Um, well, I’m not sure what your plans are during our hiatus, but…”

Holtz’s eyebrows rise in anticipation.

 

“…I was wondering if you’d like to…get my mail while I’m out of town for a few weeks.”

 

Holtz’s expression falls a bit, disappointment setting in.

 

“Orrrr,” Erin goes on, “you could, um, come with me, but you, probably think it’s a stupid idea, traveling with me – blah – why – would you, bluh, uh, want to do that, I just thought I’d let you – know, I’d be gone. Alone or –”

 

Holtz’s eyes widen.

 

“I would LOVE to be your travel buddy, EG!” Holtz exclaims, overjoyed. Her flushed, pink cheeks accentuating her dimples.

 

“When do we leave? What should I pack? Will there be an igloo? A tipi? A canyon that’s grand?”

 

 

 


	3. Ache

After the baseball game, Patty wraps all the girls in a hug, then catches a flight with one of her school colleagues and heads to the Caribbean.

 

Abby's plans involve eating soup, sleeping in, and maybe grabbing a drink with Jennifer, who -once she took the stick out of her ass - turned out to be pretty cool. Mostly, she's looking forward to being able to unwind.

 

It'll be the first time in two years that she's been apart from Holtz for such a long time, but she's over the moon that Erin and Holtz are becoming so close. She's not sure who she'd have to hurt if one of them hurt the other.

She knows Erin can take care of herself, and she theoretically knows Holtz can too, but that beautiful weirdo has a way of bringing out her maternal nature. Holtz can slay ghosts better than all three of them combined; it's just her heart Abby's worried about.

"I wasn't going to leave you twice." Abby remembers Erin's words and softens. Erin's growing. She's becoming. Holtz is good for her. Abby can't control everything as much as she'd like to. 

 

_Take care of my girl, Erin._

_She's tough, but she's special to me_.

 

 

_I know, Abs. You can trust me._

_The universe gave me_

_a second chance with you._

_I couldn't live with myself if_

_I compromised that._

 

 

_My deepest gratitude to the_

_universe for that, by the way._

_i love you, Erin._

 

 

_love you too, ghostbuster ;)_

 

Erin assigns Kevin with the task of getting her mail. Before leaving her apartment for the trip, Erin shows the receptionist where everything is. “Kev, do you think you can handle watering the plants?” she asks. “Yes, boss. Where is the water hose?” he asks seriously. “Oh boy,” Erin says under her breath.

 

Well, she’ll just have to take her chances. She’d much rather have the spunky engineer for company even if it means her apartment floods and her mailbox overflows.

 

Erin is beyond excited for this road trip with Holtzmann. She found a cottage for sale two hours outside of the city. The owners agreed to let her rent it from them for 4 weeks, as it’s just sitting empty at the moment. The town close by is small but there is a fudge shop – yes, a shop dedicated solely to fudge – a coffee shop, a bookstore, and the cottage itself sits on five acres.

 

Erin spent her whole adolescence trying to escape small town life, and while she loves the hum of the city, the pace, the architecture, the Manhattan skyline, she’s found herself daydreaming about a simple life, one all her own, without her childhood bullies and loneliness.

 

She rents a car for the vacation – a white 1995 Mercedes convertible with tan leather interior. The trunk is loaded down with her belongings so the backseat can be designated for Holtz’s snacks, gear, and bags.

 

She arrives at the blonde’s apartment and enters her walk-up to help her carry her things down.

 

Holtz is all packed, standing in the doorway with her bag slung over her shoulder, her yellow goggles on her face, a map under her arm and two bottles of coke in her hand. Judging by the condensation on the glass bottles, Erin surmises Holtz has been standing in the doorway for a while now, just waiting for her. The thought makes Erin…ache.

 

“I take it you’re all set?” she asks, tilting her head to the side.

 

“Sure am!” Holtz exclaims, handing Erin her soda, “I got snacks, shoes, socks, underpants, my toolkit, a first aid kit – Dr. Gorin will be so proud – my toothbrush, some books, am I missing anything?”

 

Erin’s heart nearly explodes with affection. She’s never met anyone so earnest in her entire life. It’s as if Holtz has no gauge or radar for what is socially acceptable or ordinary or expected. She’s so innocent.

 

“Hmm...” Erin answers, “Just your swimsuit and maybe some sunblock– but I’ve got plenty, and I’ve brought extra towels…” she trails off reading Holtz’s expression.

 

“Um, my swimsuit?…I don’t…I don’t have one.”

 

“Oh. Oh well that’s okay,” Erin assures her, “we can always pick one up at a store nearby. I’ll have to stop for groceries and I’m sure I’ve forgotten a few things.

 

Holtz knows Erin has not forgotten anything. Erin’s suitcase is alphabetized and sorted by color.

 

Holtz stares at the space between them in the open doorway.

 

“Holtzmann…what’s wrong?”

 

“I don’t…I don’t know how to swim,” Holtz answers, pulling at her earlobe.

 

Erin’s eyes grow large. She grew up swimming almost every day after school in the pond behind her parents’ house. She’d taken swim lessons when she was really young, then became a lifeguard – enforcing the rules was her favorite part.

 

“Oh…um, that’s fine, Holtz, we – um – I, I can teach you. There’s a pond beside the cottage. It’s private, so we’ll have it all to ourselves, and you’re so coordinated, you’ll pick it up in no time.”

 

Holtz bites her lip, looking down. She shifts her weight from one foot to the other.

“Erin – I – you may want to invite someone else. I – I” she stammers, clearing her throat, “I’m scared of the water. I want you to enjoy this trip.”

 

“Here,” Erin says, taking the duffle bag from Holtz’s now sagging shoulder, sitting the bag on the floor. Holtz looks like she might cry.

 

Readjusting the strap to make it longer, Erin picks it back up, “Let me carry it down, it’s going in the backseat.”

 

“Erin, really, you don’t –”

 

“I’m not going without you, Holtzmann. I wanted to get away and relax and clear my mind, but since you said yes to going, I’ve been looking forward to these four weeks more and more. I already made a grocery list of your favorite foods, I picked out movies I thought you’d like, and there’s a huge back porch where you can work on projects while I read in the hammock…What I’m saying – what I mean is – I won’t enjoy this trip if you don’t come. And if you let me, I’ll teach you to swim. I won’t let anything happen to you.” Erin says, never more certain of anything in her life.

 

Holtz’s eyes regain their sparkle. Springing forward, she places a kiss to Erin’s cheek.

 

“Can I drive?” Holtz asks, handing Erin the map.

 

“I was hoping you would,” Erin smiles, her cheeks heating up as they head down to the car.

 

 

 


	4. Style

Holtz hums to the song on the radio, as the sun shines down on her blonde hair. She takes a sip of her coke as she pulls off the interstate to refuel and empty her bladder. Erin pays for the gas and nabs a bag of gummy bears for Holtz.

 

Erin forgoes her phone’s gps for the map Holtzmann hands her. She wonders why someone with an affinity and keen understanding of gadgets, technology, and science, brought her a paper map…and doesn’t bat an eye as Erin uses it to navigate them. This, in a long line of traits that intrigue Erin about the inventor.

 

When they pull off the highway and into the small town, Holtzmann turns down the radio as she listens to Erin’s directions.

 

“Oh, Holtz, there’s a boutique on the square…they sell ladies’ clothing and seasonal wear…I asked the cashier while you were using the restroom. Um, do you? Think it’d be okay if we looked for you a swimsuit there. It may not be your style but?”

 

“I have a style?” Holtz asks, her face serious.

 

“Well...yeah...I mean it’s – I mean you – don’t you think?” Erin asks.

 

“I don’t think too much about it, no.” Holtz answers easily.

 

“My mother had beautiful style. She was really something,” Holtz continues, grinning from ear to ear – that extraordinary ‘Holtz smile’, where her eyes get a bit misty, her nose scrunches, her dimples are exposed like she might burst into tears or fan into flame. Erin’s seen this smile a handful of times now, but every time it takes her breath away.

 

“She let me be me, of course, but she dressed like a lady,” Holtz adds.

 

“Oh? And how does a lady dress?” Erin quips, trying to sound nonchalant, but desperate to know every detail of Holtz’s mother.

 

“Oh, a lady is a _presence –_

A confidence. My mother stole the room when she walked into it. She took it with her when she left…” Holtz falters a bit.

 

“So, I’d like a swim suit for a lady. I will need all the confidence I can get.”

 

Erin and Holtz find the boutique and Holtz asks if she can wait in the car, “I trust you, Erin – I mean to choose something for me.”

 

“Of course, Holtz...It shouldn’t take me long. I’ll be right back.”

 

Erin browses through the small selection. A lot of seer sucker – it’s cute, but maybe not for Holtz…

 

Then she sees a two-piece with a pair of shorts that go along.

 

It’s a black suit with white polka-dots. High-waisted bottoms, and a sweetheart style top that ties around the neck.

It reminds Erin of something Marilyn Monroe might have worn; and she can see it – Holtz as the glamorous movie star, big blue eyes, puckered mouth, full hips, that blonde hair…

 

Why is her heart beating so fast?

 

Truly, Holtz wearing aluminum foil would be appealing, but it’s endearing to think of her in a different time…a different place…the 1940’s on a beach in France –

 

And Erin … laying beside her, sunblock on, a portable radio and a picnic….

 

No impending world war, no sexism … just she and Holtz and the salted air…

 

“Ma’am, can I help you?” the shop owner asks interrupting Erin’s daydream.

 

“Um, yes, I’ll take this suit. I think a medium will be swell,” she stammers blushing.

 

Swell? Did she just say swell?

 

“Perhaps a small top?” the woman suggests looking at Erin helpfully.

 

“Oh no, it’s for my girl – my friend – my girl… my friend that, she’s tiny but, she um, she has – hers are, I think the medium. Will be. Perfectly lovely… thank you…” Erin says dashing toward the cash register with her head down.

 

The store owner follows her to the register with the correct size.

 

“Your girl, friend, friend, girl is lucky to have this cute suit, honey. She’s lucky she’s got you,” the owner smiles handing Erin the bag.

 

“Thanks,” Erin blushes again before heading back to the car.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the portable radio wasn't invented until 1954 but this is fanfiction okay *crying emoji*


	5. Cottage

According to the map, along with the directions Holtz got from a lady at a local fruit stand (where she gleefully purchased a bag of ripe peaches), Erin and Holtz have arrived at the entrance to their destination – a long gravel drive lined with maple trees.

 

Erin received the keys to the house a few weeks back along with some instructions about how to work the gas stove, what to do if a storm knocks the power out – the usual.

 

The place is beautiful, with the lushest grass Erin’s ever seen – almost blue in color, it’s so green – like a storybook. The house is a light cream color with mint green shutters and wood flower boxes lining the front windows. On the side of the house sits a wide, covered porch with a swing.

 

Holtz shuts off the engine after pulling into an adjacent carport.

 

“Niiiiiice,” she exclaims. “This place rocks, EG!”

 

“It does, doesn’t it?” Erin answers, proud of herself for finding it.

 

“You’re sure it doesn’t look too…boring?” Erin asks, suddenly worrying it’s a little too cat-lady cliché. “I mean there’s not a lot going on out here. You don’t have to, uh, stay with me the whole hiatus, you can always take the car any time you – ”

 

“Erin, it’s wonderful. I already love it here. I got a bag full of peaches, a launching pad space if I…. wanted to launch… thiiings… we can talk about it… and look at the porch! You were right. Plenty of space to make launchable…things. Best of all, you’re here. I’d never be bored with you here.”

 

The women make their way from the car to the house, toting their luggage along a sidewalk lined with pale pink hollyhocks. Holtz drops a bag while bending down to pick one of the flowers for Erin. “For you, EG,” she says winking at the physicist.

 

Erin keeps everything Holtz has given her – from the swiss army knife to the signed baseball, and now – she wishes a gift this lovely could last forever.

 

“Thank you, sweethear–um, hmph, uh…here,” she blushes handing Holtz back her bag.

 

 

 

“Whoa! Check it out!” Holtz exclaims when Erin opens the door.

Holtz drops her belongings in the entry way and runs off to explore. Erin giggles and begins neatly stacking everything out of the walkway.

 

White beadboard walls make the cottage feel cozy and bright. Erin notices the home's retro charm when she steps into the kitchen filled with re-furbished vintage appliances in excellent condition.

 

She sets their few food items on the butcher block countertop. A pale blue refrigerator with rounded edges sits in a cove by a breakfast nook, and a matching icebox sits under a window nearby. The dishwasher is the same sky blue; and once again Erin feels transported back in time.

 

 

“Hey Erin, come look!” Holtz calls from the living room. As Erin enters, she realizes the room doubles as a library. Soft cream rugs cover the cedar floor under the cushy red sofa and oversized chair. There’s an old turntable and rows and rows of books. The TV set is old and probably in black and white.

 

“Holtz we’re not taking apart any appliances in this house…Holtz?”

 

“Uh, yeah,” the engineer answers standing behind the TV concentrating with her tongue sticking out, “wouldn’t dream of it.”

 

Off the living room is a hallway with two bedrooms and a bathroom. The first bedroom has a loft that reminds Erin of Mia’s room in the _Princess Diaries_ film. “I call this one!” Holtz exclaims. “All it’s missing is Fat Louie.”

 

“Great minds think alike. Holtz, are you really gonna sleep up there?” she asks, pointing to the loft.

 

“Yeah, the mattress is super comfy,” Holtz answers as she ascends the spiral ladder and plops down. “Besides, it reminds me of the Firehouse,” she smiles pulling out her “text phone” as she calls it.

 

 

  _Hey little one just checking in_

_Aaabbbyyyy !_

 

 _How's things_

 

_Things is gr888_

 

_I miss you girls_

_Aww...Abbyy. Want us to cum get you?_

_Lol. I'm good. I just._

_We haven't been apart this long._

_Forgot how used to you I've gotten._

_You're my girl, A.Y._

_How's Erin?_

_She's good_

_Sure you're ok?_

_Ooh yeah. You kidding?_

_I haven't had this much free time and money_

_since_

_.....ever._

_Actually looking at new apartments today._

_Close by right??_

_Yeah. Closer even. Miss you, toots._

_Miss you A.Y.!_

_Love you_

_Mwahh! Be good!_

_Always ;)_

 

 

Erin brings Holtz her bags and goes to check out the other bedroom. In the center sits a queen-size four poster bed with a large ivory quilt. A smaller quilt with tiny yellow rosebuds drapes over the side, and a framed silhouette of a woman hangs above the bed.

 

Erin takes a deep breath feeling the stress leave her body, unpacking her clothes and placing them in the wardrobe.

 

She makes her way back to Holtz’s lair to see if she wants to make a food run; and finds the wistful engineer sitting cross-legged in the loft looking out the window.

 

“How’s the view, Holtz?” Erin calls.

 

Holtz startles at Erin’s voice, keeping her gaze out the window. “It’s not bad, Erin…I, um,” she pauses, wiping both hands back and forth across her thighs, “I can see the lake from here. It looks…big,” she says, sounding small.

 

“Oh yeah?” Erin asks curiously, receiving a silent nod from the engineer.

 

“We’ve got plenty of time to get to that, sweethear– um, sweetheart,” Erin says, more easily this time, “and I promise - it’s all up to you. Let’s go find this grocery store, huh? You hungry?”

 

“Mmm,” Holtz answers, and Erin notices her voice still sounds small, but seems to encompass something like gratitude…

 

“I’ll be right there, EG,” Holtz whispers, and Erin thinks she sees her wipe a tear from her eye.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like patty, i think i have seen too many house renovation docs.....


	6. Control

Erin and Holtz get back from the grocery store and the fudge shop with a pound and a half of fudge and enough groceries to last them the full four weeks, but at the rate Holtz consumes food, Erin knows they will be back in…three days.

 

Holtz was thrilled with Erin’s shopping list and only requested two items that were not already on it. She also obliged Erin’s shopping methodology – getting each item on the list in alphabetical order by section.

 

Erin pushed the cart and Holtz whizzed down the aisles, always a half a step in front, grabbing and slinging, right in the cart every time, loose produce rolling around – no plastic bags needed, assured the engineer –

Apples (for pie and caramel apples)

Applesauce

Apricot Applesauce (one small inventor likes her applesauce)

Bananas

On down to Watermelon for the fruit portion then on to:

 

Bagels

Chips – so many chips: Dill Pickle, Pringles, Tortilla

 

Erin’s never met anyone not annoyed with her rigidity for routine and order, but it seems to soothe the, at times, frenetic engineer.

 

For an anxious person, when you know what comes next, the anxiety is less consuming. For a Holtz person when you know what comes next, the more time you have to spend doing the important things, like inventing nuclear equipment to capture paranormal entities.

It feels nice that Erin has a positive effect on someone.

 

“Zucchini Fries! Yummmmmmm this is going to be SO good with the ranch dip, EG, you just wait. Hey – that’s it!”

 

“Turn over the list, Holtzy.”

 

“Ah – yes, the paper-goods category – that is probably a good idea. You remember everything,” she says batting her lashes.

 

“You lead,” Erin directs as Holtz moonwalks around the corner to the next aisle.

 

 

 

With the last of the groceries put away, Holtz hops on the counter top and pops open the dill pickle chips.

 

“Holtz – you won’t be hungry for dinner. I think I’ll go ahead and cook the steaks for tonight, that sound good?”

 

“Aye Aye, captain,” Holtz salutes as Erin goes to retrieve the calendar she has printed up specifically for menus.

 

She sets to work writing the menu for the following week. Today is Sunday so she starts there and goes through Friday. Saturday can be leftovers or takeout.

 

Erin is acutely aware of her oddities in the company of others. It’s why she prefers to live alone, and eat alone.

 

By now, anyone else she’s tried to live with or travel with would have, at the very least cracked a joke, or several, and at the very most would have, and actually have, told her she was a freak. A control freak, specifically. A term that’s been normalized to make it okay to call someone a freak for trying to make sense of their world. She doesn’t want to control others. She just needs enough order in her world so she doesn’t fall apart.

 

While Erin writes, Holtz tinkers with a – is that the toaster – “Holtzmann??”

 

“I’m fixing it. I’m fixing it. Wanna get maximum spring action,” Holtz pipes up.

 

“Sorry. God. I’m sorry, Holtz. You’re so understanding of how annoying I am.  I should be less controlling. You’re not. I – ”

 

“It’s okay, E,” Holtz interrupts, setting aside the toaster, “you’re not annoying. And I don’t feel controlled. I know what I’m doing…most of the time…and you – you take care…of me, that’s different. You – you’re afraid if I break something…you might be in trouble and I – sometimes I do break things – so we just have to communicate and understand. Each other –

 

Erin’s eyes are fixed on her feet as Holtz continues –

 

“But you aren’t annoying. And I don’t mind when you look after me. It’s okay, Erin. I promise.”

 

“Is it?” Erin asks, the long day catching up to her - the past few months actually. And now she’s in a strange place, with strange new feelings, and unfamiliar territory at every cross-section.

 

“It is,” Holtz answers sliding off the counter, taking the finished menu out of Erin’s hands and hanging it by a magnet on the blue refrigerator door.

 

“There. Steak, salad, and mashed potatoes, Yum,” Holtz repeats from the menu as she begins pulling out the ingredients, turning around to see Erin still looking a bit lost.

 

“Tradesies?” Holtz asks.

 

“Mmm..?” Erin asks, face turning red, like she wants to run.

Holtz has seen this look before, specifically on the day Erin ended up in the newspaper for punching that insecure man.

 

“C’mere,” Holtz says, carefully taking Erin by the hand, and backing her against the counter.

 

She places her hands on Erin’s hips.

 

“Up,” Holtz says as she lifts Erin onto the counter top, wrapping her arms around the older woman and resting her chin on Erin’s shoulder.

 

“I’m glad to be here with you,” she says as she feels Erin lean down and bring her arms around Holtz.

 

“It’s been a long day, EG,” Holtz says, her cheek against Erin’s ear, her hand rubbing circles between her shoulder blades, “what if you make the steak and I’ll do the salad, and then we can get you into that comfy bed back there for some sleep times.”

 

“How about I make the whole dinner, because you hate tossing salad, and then we curl up in the living room and I read you one of those books?” Erin offers.

 

“Your plan is better.”

 

 

 

With a full belly, Holtz sprawls out on the sofa while Erin looks thru rows and rows of books, and settles on _The Likeness_ by Tana French – a murder mystery set in the author’s hometown in Northern Ireland.

 

Erin sits down with her cup of tea in the chair beside Holtz.

“You sure you don’t want any tea, Holtz?” she asks, causing the engineer to wrinkle her nose.

 “I’m more of a glass of milk before bed kind of scientist. Recently, I’ve discovered coconut milk warmed up is a great sleep-aid.

 

It’s Erin’s turn to wrinkle her nose, but she stops herself. That’s kind of cute, actually, she thinks.

 

“Well, I’ll go make you a cup then.”

 

“You don’t have to, E.” Holtz cuts in.

 

“I know, I want to. Read the back of the book, make sure it looks interesting.”

 

 

 

 

“Definitely interesting.” Holtz says, handing the book to Erin in exchange for her milk.

 

“Mmm… thank you.”

 

 

Erin has just gotten to the part where the lead character, Cassie, arrives undercover at Whitethorn House when she notices Holtz fast asleep with a milk mustache.

 

No use in trying to carry her up to the loft, Erin realizes, and instead gathers the patchwork quilt from a nearby basket and drapes it across Holtz’s body, smoothing out her hair and wiping away the milk with the pad of her thumb.

 

She rinses their cups and tip toes down the hallway to her bedroom leaving the hall lamp on in case Holtz wakes up.

 

 

 


	7. Timid

The next few days are spent with Holtz setting up shop on the porch - tools arranged neatly for Erin’s sanity. She seems to be working on some type of ghost particle transformer- so much for a hiatus.

 

Erin’s itching to write out some equations, but has promised herself a little mental break. Work doesn’t fuel her quite like it does Holtzmann. She suspects that’s because Holtz doesn’t really differentiate between work and play.

 

Erin’s work fulfills a large part of her, of course, and for that she is exponentially grateful. She knows how lucky she is – that some people never feel fulfilled by anything, much less something they get paid to do; but she wishes she had Holtz’s innocence - the ability to lose herself.

 

When you’re little, swinging from the monkey bars is part of play, aptly called a playground. As you get older, it becomes a chore to “work out” and you have to pay someone to use their equipment.

 

After age 13, exercise becomes about the way your body looks to men – a competition Erin has become less and less interested in participating in. Holtz somehow never fully left the playground. Erin gravitates toward this really beautiful and freeing quality.

 

This morning, Holtz is up and out on the porch working away when Erin wakes up.

 

Every now and then, Holtz puts down her tools and inches toward the small lake.

 

As of this morning, she's made it within 40 feet – a decent improvement – before scurrying back to the comfort and safety of her porch. Erin watches endearingly out the window while cooking breakfast.

 

 

 

The smell of coffee wafts into the spunky inventor's nostrils as Erin walks out onto the porch with their food.

“Seems like it’s going to be pretty warm today…I might. Maybe I’ll – go for a swim?

Is that? Will it freak you out - if I do?”

 

Holtz scratches the back of her head, “Well, don’t let my short-circuiting keep you from getting cooled off EG…” she says, keeping her goggles pulled tight,

“…but what if? What if you…get stuck in the middle. And I can’t get to you?” Holtz asks almost frantically, letting Erin smooth the pineapple cream-cheese onto her toasted bagel.

 

Erin’s chest feels like it’s caving in, and Holtz suddenly looks paler than usual.

 

“Um, I’m – I’m sorry Erin. I’m not that hungry this morning. Um – I’m – I’m gonna call Abby. I’ll – um,” she slurs her words, knocking over a box of wires as she stumbles into the cottage with Erin looking on in pained guilt.

 

 

_“Abs?”_

Holtz asks after the third ring and a quiet hello from her best friend

“Yeah, toots, hang on. I’m over here at the fancy New York public library – yeah I know this is a library! I’m heading out- you see me walking toward the door, wise guy? – Sorry Holtz, can you hear me?”

Holtz makes a barely audible humming sound, her left thigh shaking every time she moves her foot off the floor of the loft

“Holtzmann?”

_“Mmm’Abby…”_

“Talk to me, Holtz, you okay?”

_“M – mm”_

“Okay, I – how about I tell you about my morning?”

_“Mm”_

“Well. Talked to Patty”

_“Mmmm”_

“She said to tell you she misses you”

_“Mm?”_

“Yeah…Then, I met with my realtor, closed on a great little apartment in Manhattan. Who would have ever guessed? Abigail Yates, Manhattanite.”

Holtz swallows

“You’re going to love the view from the _private_ rooftop balcony. Got your name all over it. Hey – uh, you and Erin? Did you get into it? I warned her”

_“No. No no.”_

“What then, toots? What is it?”

_“Water”_

“You don’t like it.”

_“Mm Mm”_

“Erin does.”

_“Mm Hm”_

“Did you tell her?”

_“Mm Hm”_

“She push you in?”

_“Mm Mm!”_

“Did she get upset with you?”

_“No..no..”_

“…Do you trust me, Holtz?”

_“110 percent”_

“Will you try – try for me with Erin and the water?”

_silence_

“Holtzy, I don’t know the first thing about teaching someone to swim. I can get from A to B. It’s not pretty, but I can do it… but Erin…Oh Holtz, you should see her – it’s like magic the way she moves through the water.”

_“Yeah?”_

“Yeah. She won’t disappear, Holtz.

…You believe me?”

_“Mm”_

“Holtzmann…”

_“Okay”_

 

 

 


	8. Tremble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments mean a lot to me xo

Holtz backs her way down the ladder of her loft to find Erin curled up on the porch swing with the book she’s been reading to her at night.

 

“I’m not reading ahead, Holtz, I promise. Just re-reading a little.”

 

“Mind if I join you?”

 

“No, of course. Are you hungry? How’s Abby?”

 

“Yes, and splendid. I’m sorry, Erin.”

 

“You don’t have to be sorry, Holtz. I wish there was a way for me to help make things easier for you. Well, this. Not things. You make most things look easy.”

 

Holtz plays with the collar of her shirt.

 

“Your food’s in the toaster oven. Should still be nice and warm. You want orange juice?” Erin asks, getting up. 

The younger woman’s smile answers her question.

 

“One glass or two?”

 

Holtz holds up two fingers, confirming Erin’s assumption.

 

After shooting down her juice and finishing off the last of her eggs and bagel, Holtz wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.

 

“I think maybe…I’d like to see you swim…” she says staring past Erin at the water.

 

“Oh yeah?” Erin asks nonchalantly from the hammock Holtz rigged up last night.

 

“If you wouldn’t mind an audience.”

 

“No, of course not. I’ll go get changed. You want…?”

 

“Ah, nah. I think I’ll just observe this round,” Holtz says rubbing the back of her neck.

 

 

Erin comes back out in a solid white one-piece that hugs her tall, slim figure perfectly. Her freckled chest and red hair against the stark white swimsuit stand out to Holtz in a way she’s never seen Erin before – even with all the looking she’s done thus far.

 

“Hold my hand?” the older woman offers, coming closer to the blonde with her towel draped over one shoulder.

 

“Okay,” Holtz swallows, her clear blue eyes open comically wide.

 

“Come on, we’ll just go to the edge of the water today and see. Sound okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

 

Holtz’s senses are in overdrive between her intense fear and the beautiful angel leading her by the hand.

 

“It’s alright, Holtz, just breathe. One step at a time.”

 

 

The grass leading to the dock is dotted with daffodils and dandelions. Crickets spring up as high as their waists in the grass. Several maple and magnolia trees give them some shade as the Northern June sun beats down warming their hair and skin.

 

“Okay, Holtz, we can either go on the dock or right over there where I can just walk in - although, it may be a bit muddy,” Erin explains, checking Holtz’s face for signs of needing to abort the plan.

 

“The deepest part of the lake is 30 feet in the center – deep enough for a nice dive – and the circumference measures roughly 100 yards from each point. A considerable swim for me is 1,400 yards. So no worries about the distance there,” she continues, hoping all the numbers put Holtz more at ease, but the closer the pair get to the water’s edge the tighter Holtz’s grip becomes.

 

The weathered wood of the dock is bleached from the sun and Holtz stops moving before they reach it.

 

"No Erin. Don't jump in."

 

Holtz’s fear momentarily weakens Erin. She’s not used to it, not sure how to solve for it, what to make of it, but she knows she wants to be bigger than it.

 

“Jillian…” the name slips out without intention, “Um, Ah, is it okay if I call you, that? I know sometimes Abby does. It’s pretty,” she stammers, feeling stupid.

 

“I like it,” Holtz replies in the smallest voice Erin’s ever heard from her, “I just only like it when people who care for me call me Jillian. Like Abby. Dr. Gorin. Like…you.”

 

“Good. Good, Jill. Okay, let’s walk over here,” she says leading her away from the dock and over to a shallow bank lined with cattails and hot pink strawberry firetails.

 

“You can watch me get in here. I’ll just go up to my waist at first, okay? Here, you sit, right here.”

 

Holtz watches Erin’s body. The way her legs connect to her backside, the smoothness of her legs, the little dimples near her bum, how her spine shows through her white suit when she bends down. Holtz’s heart-rate picks up as Erin’s feet tip the water’s edge.

 

“See?” Erin says turning back around, I’m okay,” she calls before backing into the cool water.

 

“Ooh, it feels amazing, Jill!” she exclaims, sliding down on her knees letting the water rise to her shoulders.

 

Before she’s able to stop herself, Erin’s dipped her whole body under the water.

 

Breaking the surface, she finds Holtz has moved from the bank and is crouched down on the edge.

 

“Erin…Erin! Can you – Please – come out, please…” she begs as she bursts into tears.

 

Erin’s dark blue eyes grow wide as she runs toward Holtz in the waist deep water – the eight feet between them feels like a million nautical miles.

 

Erin’s never seen Holtz cry. Couldn’t have imagined how painful it would be to witness if she had spent the last five months preparing.

 

“It’s okay. I’m okay, Jill,” she says breathlessly falling onto the bank, pulling Holtz against her and away from the edge.

 

Holtz’s sobs come out in crescendos. Her mouth hangs open and silent as the cry starts again from somewhere that’s been locked deep inside of her for years, maybe decades, and then the sound escapes into Erin’s ears. And Erin becomes brave. She has to be. She rocks Jillian against her chest murmuring the same melody, “I’m okay. You’re okay.”

 

“Mama…” Holtz’s cries turn to a single plea and Erin finds an answer she wasn’t looking for, but desperately wishes she could change.

 

“It’s okay, baby,” Erin soothes. Holtz’s face is a mixture of salt, tears, sweat, saliva…Erin doesn’t care. She cradles her softer, tracing her red, trembling mouth with her thumb as Jillian clings to her with her legs and arms like she’s trying to fuse their bodies together, like she’d climb inside of Erin if it were possible.

 

The water dripping from Erin’s hair trickles down Holtz’s forehead. Erin’s wet swimsuit and body seep into her shaking form. Holtz presses her cheek into the older woman’s chest feeling the damp coolness of Erin’s body comforting her.

 

 


	9. Drink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments mean a lot to me xo

Erin’s wet, red hair falls in messy tangles around her face.

Drops of water and blades of green grass stick to her white swimsuit, chest, and arms.

Holtz’s small sweaty form is like carrying a proton pack on her chest.

 

Once inside the air conditioned cottage, Erin lays Holtz gently on the couch and kneels beside her on the soft floor, panting to catch her breath.

 

“I’m – so – sorry.”

It’s the longest sentence the engineer has said since she burst into tears.

 

“Sweetheart, I should be the one apologizing…” Erin trails off, still trying to catch her breath.

 

“No. No. I – I messed it up,” Holtz whispers clawing at her thighs.

 

“You didn’t mess up a single thing,” Erin replies soothingly, recognizing Holtz’s attempt to take the pain out on herself.

 

She pulls Holtz’s hands from her thighs, and holds them against her chest. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she whispers, willing the disheveled blonde to hold her gaze.

 

“We don’t ever have to go near that lake again. We can go back home tonight if you want.”

 

The inventor is quiet, her breathing is audible and her heartrate slows to a more even pace.

 

“I want to…stay, if – you want to, stay…”

 

“Oh, Jill,” Erin says, finally letting herself fall apart,

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you pain…

you’re the best thing that’s happened to me.”

 

Jillian is quiet for a moment.

 

“Up,” she finally says, pulling Erin onto the red sofa, this time letting the physicist cry on her chest.

 

Erin takes deep breaths into Holtz’s neck, breathing in her scent – the lavender oil from her home-made deodorant accompanied by a warm sugaring smell - unique to Jillian no matter what the circumstance, a salty concoction of tears and sweat, mixed with the fresh smell of lake water.

 

Erin’s own body is mostly dry, but Holtz’s clothing is soaked through in patches and with the cool air from inside against her skin, Erin imagines she might be getting cold.

 

The physicist takes one last deep breath in before propping herself up. She takes a long sobering look into the younger woman’s eyes, like she’s seeing her for the first time all over again.

 

That icy-blue stare that freezes time, the upward curve of her perfectly flared nose, those wild blonde curls.

 

Erin places a hand on Holtz’s stomach.

 

So soft, she thinks.

 

“You want to take this off?” she asks, referring to the green and purple striped shirt Holtz has layered over a light purple camisole.

 

Holtz nods and raises her arms enough for Erin to undo the buttons and slide it off, bringing the crumpled garment to her own chest, like a precious possession.

 

Erin traces Jillian’s bare arm with her other hand before bringing it up to cup her cheek.

 

Closing her eyes, she brings her face closer to the blonde’s, whose breath she can feel on her neck, feeling Erin press a kiss to her forehead.

 

Jill sighs, a calmness spreading over her pretty features.

 

Erin’s sure she’s never felt anything so soft against her lips, so sweet and perfect. She swallows, pulling back. Jillian's peach complexion comes into focus, her rosy cheek warm beneath Erin's hand.

 

“How long?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Were you waiting for me?”

 

“Mm?”

 

“In the doorway, with the cokes, with everything packed?”

 

 “A-an hour. Two, tops.”

 

There it is again. That ache.

 

“I won’t ever leave you standing on the shore again. I’ll let the whole world dry up before leaving you behind.”

 

Jillian smiles. Grateful. Relieved. Her eyes are so tired.

 

 “I’ll come with you then, next time.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Promised Abby. I’d try. I want to, to learn. With you. For Abby. For mama…for me…”

 

“Yes, sweetheart.”

 

It’s not even noon. Erin feels like she’s scaled the Grand Canyon barefoot in the snow, during a heatwave.

 

“I’m going to order us pizza,” she decides, taking back control of her situation, “and we’re going to spend today snuggled right here.

 

Holtz nods, yawning.

 

“I’m going to bring you some ice water with lemon and I want you to drink it all while I go take a quick shower.”

 

Holtz nods again, suppressing her second yawn.

 

“But first, let’s get you into some dry…bottoms,” Erin blushes, gesturing to Holtz’s wet pants.

 

Erin returns with the glass of ice water and a dry pair of shorts she lets Holtz slide into without looking.

 

“Drink,” she instructs, before walking away.

 

 


	10. Don't Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is sad...
> 
> tw: for anyone w/ ptsd etc.

Erin steps out of the shower and sees an earlier text from Abby.

 

_Morning Ghost Girl (: how’s things?_

 

_Call me. Landline. Bad cell signal._

_212.555.1984_

 

That was fast. On the third ring, Erin reaches the pink spinning-dial telephone on the night stand in her bedroom.

 

_“Abby what happened?”_

 

“And a friendly hello to you too, honeydew – ”

 

_“Abby this is serious.”_

 

“What happened?”

 

_“That’s what I’m asking **you**.”_

 

“I’m going to need you to be a bit more specific.”

 

_“I’m sorry. Ah._

_I’m. It’s just. Holtz,”_

 

“Erin??”

 

_“She’s okay. She had - she had a panic attack._

_A severe, full-blown panic attack, Abby -_

_The water. When I went under,”_

 

Abby winces.

 

“I know.”

 

_“You know? Well. Why?_

_Why didn’t you tell me? About her mother?_

_Her **mother**?”_

 

She repeats, trying to keep her voice down.

 

_“What happened, Abby?”_

 

Abby sighs.

 

“Are you sitting down?”

 

_“I am now.”_

 

Erin slides down the bedroom wall, holding onto the telephone cord, wrapping herself tighter in her robe.

 

 

Abby’s words sound like they’re echoing through an underwater chamber before making their way past Erin’s ears and into her consciousness.

 

 

And suddenly Holtz is eight years old and Erin is, once again, transported back in time.

 

Holtz is balancing on her tip toes walking in careful circles around the porcelain bathtub, where her mother is bathing in the moonlight and humming sweetly.

 

The endearing woman shampoos her hair, rubbing oatmeal soap onto a washcloth and lathering up her neck, giggling as her little bundle of curiosity marches around the room regaling her with excitement about her role in the school play, “…and I’m the – the, the DRAGON, Mama! _Rawrr_ …”

 

“Oh?”

 

“And, Mama…the Dragon, has – has _pink_ scales on her, her back. Like this. And, and – and a _red_ tail, with Fire in her, her mouth,”

 

“Is that so, baby?”

 

“And - and she’s smarter than all the hew – the humans, except you. You are the, the smartest,”

 

“Is that right?” the adoring woman asks, rinsing her hair with a tin cup.

 

She puckers her lips for Holtz who smacks a doting kiss on her mouth, grabbing the sides of her cheeks with little hands.

 

Her mouth still inches from her mother’s face, the pretty woman smiles as Holtz repeats a phrase that sounds something like, “Olive you Mama,” into her cheek and hair.

 

“I love you, Jillian Maine.”

 

Pulling back, Holtz twirls in slow motion as her mother drops the bar of soap in the tub.

 

The faucet continues to run, and she’s shaking. Jillian has never seen someone have a seizure and doesn’t know what to do but cry out and leap over the side of the basin, where her mother’s body is still.

 

Still, because she’s had an aneurysm and her lungs have stopped supplying oxygen to her blood.

 

She’s still, as Holtz wraps her arms around her neck pleading.

 

The water continues to run. Jillian’s arms are too short to reach the handle. Her mother’s limp body slips under the surface, the water begins to cover her beautiful face.

 

 

 

The familiar sound of Abby’s voice starts to come back into focus:

 

“The neighbors called the police when they heard a child screaming,”

 

Erin swallows.

 

“I hacked into the old police report. Couldn’t bring myself to ask Holtz for details.

They broke in and found Holtz with her mother in the freezing water.

Their lips were blue.

Holtzy’s heartrate had slowed, but she was still breathing,

Thank God.

 

Holtz didn’t speak for an entire year,” Abby finishes, her voice catching for the hundredth time.

 

Erin’s stomach feels weak, her knuckles are white where she clings to the phone.

 

“Thank you – for telling me,” Erin says immobilized, “I’m gonna, I’ve got to. Go.”

 

“Erin”

 

“Abby...” 

 

“She needs you - so do I. You can do this. Don’t run.”

 

 

 


	11. Butterflies

After slipping into a clean, pale yellow sundress, Erin tiptoes to the living room where Holtz has dozed off. The glass of water sits on the coffee table nearly empty.

 

The physicist takes a mental picture of the engineer’s messy hair. The way her tummy peaks out beneath her lavender tank top over her little sleep-shorts.

 

Erin’s eyes slide down to the blanket tangled between her legs.

 

Her former instinct to run away has shifted to a desperate need to run forward.

 

Not just because she’s promised Abby. Although, she has learned her lesson about loyalty.

 

This is more of a gravitational shift. A need, an _ache_.

 

Jillian stirs, grasping for an imaginary dream object near her face. She murmurs and sighs before bringing her hand to the base of her neck, tucking it underneath her cheek.

 

Erin wishes she could climb inside of the dream world with her.

 

She’s never let herself fully feel this longing in her soul – this intense desire to care for and be near someone…

 

She’s been afraid for so long that she numbed the feeling entirely.

 

From a young age, she learned to keep all feelings of desire away; and continued doing so for both decades of her adult existence.

 

It wasn’t hard to do with parents who never fully accepted her; or while dating men like Phil. He didn’t even want to spend time with her.

 

His cruelty and neglect protected her, in a way, from her own desires. From having to have them.

 

Erin tiptoes into the kitchen, smoothing out her hair and pulling it back into a pony-tail.

 

Instead of ringing the pizza delivery service, she sets to work baking Jill a lemon and blueberry cake-style doughnut. The swirls of blue and yellow are calming and the smell is delicious.

 

She begins work on the vanilla-sugar icing, and decides to make another for herself.

 

While the doughnuts cool, she squeezes fresh starfruit juice and blends frozen bananas and peanut butter into a smoothie. Protein and potassium.

 

She peaks around the corner and the light bubbly sighs coming from the sofa have given way to a more pained expression on the sleeping woman’s face.

 

Erin walks over, kneeling in front her,

 

“Hi, sweet pea,” she puts her hand to the engineer’s chest rubbing her thumb gently back and forth.

 

“I made you something.”

 

Holtz blinks blearily.

 

“I can still order pizza later… for dinner?”

 

“Mm mm mm...”

 

Holtz’s body is warm and pliable. She’s lost between the worlds of asleep and awake – a place Erin knows like the back of her hand.

 

It’s a place of serotonin depletion, like ground zero, where it seems everything lovely and pleasurable has vanished forever.

 

“It’s lemony and blueberry-eee, and there’s icing,” Erin whispers.

 

Holtz’s eyes become a little less glassy at the description of the treat.

 

“Wants. Please.”

 

Erin chuckles.

 

She puts the smoothies, doughnuts, and juice on a serving tray, carrying it past the curious engineer out onto the porch.

 

Seated on the swing, Erin begins chapter eleven of _The Likeness,_ as Holtz reclines back with her head in the physicist's lap, listening to the story.

 

The cool afternoon breeze rocks the pair back and forth.

 

After slurping down her smoothie, Jillian puts the doughnut in her mouth, and eats the entire thing in nearly one bite, blue eyes gleaming like saucers.

 

"Mmm! Is Good!"

 

She licks her fingers and reaches up to Erin, who’s in mid-bite, and brings the last piece of doughnut down into her own mouth.

 

“Hey!”

 

“Cuh we? may more?” Holtz asks with a full mouth and twinkling eyes.

 

“We?” Erin raises her eyebrows, retrieving her starfruit juice from the side-table and taking a sip as the cheeky engineer reaches up with both hands in a ‘gimme’ motion.

 

“Don’t…

….spill it,” she attempts as the juice drips down the engineer’s chin.

 

Holtz wipes her face in the crease of her elbow, sitting up and knocking the book out of Erin’s hand.

 

“213!” Erin audibly memorizes, catching the page number before the book closes and hits the porch floor.

 

Suddenly, she’s enveloped in the warm and slightly sticky embrace of the younger woman, forgetting any need to memorize page numbers or avenge stolen doughnuts.

 

Holtz pulls back just enough to place a warm, lingering kiss to Erin’s cheek with her soft pink lips before snuggling close around her body once more.

 

“Thank you for inviting me, EG.

And for being so kind. This has been the best week – Erin, I’ve had… butterflies since you asked me, to come...

I really like – you.”

 

She settles against Erin’s heart, as the older woman threads her fingers into her messy blonde hair.

 

“I _really_ like you too, Jillian.”

 

Jill presses her forehead into Erin’s, her breath warm against Erin’s mouth. She licks her lips, the same way she does every day – the same way she’s done her whole life, and the same way Erin’s noticed since the first day they met.

 

Erin drinks her in, feels the weight of her forehead pressing into her own. The weight of her hips against her stomach and thighs. She keeps her hand tangled in Jillian's curls, rubbing her back, feeling light-headed and steady somehow all at once.

 

“Could I?" she asks with a catch in her voice, "kiss you?”

 

Holtz answers with her mouth pressed into Erin’s.

 

She parts her lips and Erin sees stars, sliding her tongue to meet the younger woman’s.

 

Jill’s breath comes out in pants as she pulls Erin’s body flush against her, never fully removing her lips, just enough to find the oxygen needed to supply Erin with more.

 

Holtz tastes like sugar, smells like it – sweet. Sweeter than anything Erin ever believed she deserved.

 

“I – I love you. I love you. I love – you,”

 

Holtz repeats like a prayer in between pressing her mouth back into Erin’s.

 

Erin can’t speak. She’s on a permanent inhale, letting the words, the air from Jill’s lungs spill into her, deeper than anything’s ever gone.

 

She’ll tell her too. She swears she’ll tell her when she can speak again.

 

 

 


	12. Wonder

Erin answers the door for the pizza delivery woman handing her two crisp twenty dollar bills.  

 

“Keep the change, thank you, ma’am.”

 

Holtz is down the hall taking a shower, rinsing all of the sweat and tears away from her skin. She doesn’t want to rinse her lips. She can still taste Erin.

 

Erin sets the pizza on the counter and gets plates and cups for their soda.

 

She rounds the corner on her way to pick out a film when she catches Holtzmann darting from the bathroom to her bedroom wrapped in a soft lilac towel.

 

Blushing, Erin continues to her stack of movies, placed by the television set where Holtz rigged up a connection to her portable DVD player.

 

Thelma and Louise, The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, the first three seasons of The X Files, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, James and the Giant Peach…

 

“Hi, Erin,”

 

“Hi, Jillian…How was ya, uh, your, um shower?”

 

“It was nice.”

 

Her hair is piled on her head, dripping slightly onto her over-sized green flannel pajama shirt.

 

“Pizza’s here.”

 

“And…?” Holtz asks.

 

“And your garlic bites,” Erin smirks.

 

“Annnd…”

 

“And your fried mozzarella.”

 

“Annn – ”

 

“And your Coca Cola Classic, all natural sugars, no high-fructose corn syrup.”

 

“Can we watch Ghost and Mr. Chicken?”

 

Erin marvels at how Holtz just knows what she wants. She’s not afraid of her desires.

 

Erin learned not to ever ask for what she wants. She did it so much she forgot how to even _know_ what she wants.

 

Not Holtz. If she’s hungry, she eats.

 

“Of course we can.”

 

Holtz fixes her plate and sits down at the table.

 

“You don’t want to eat in front of the TV?”

 

“Don’t wanna spill. Lots of sauces, EG. Join me.”

 

The pair devour the food. It’s been a long day. It doesn’t seem like just this morning that Erin was holding a trembling, weeping Jillian against her chest.

 

“Leave it. I’ll clean up later,” Erin instructs as Holtz starts to clear the table.

 

Erin takes Jillian’s hand and pulls her into the living room.

 

She starts the movie and sits against the corner of the couch, pulling the blonde back and into her arms.

 

She thinks of the kiss they shared earlier. She hasn’t really stopped thinking about it. The way Jillian’s mouth felt against hers.

 

Erin places a chaste kiss to her cheek from behind and Jill settles onto her chest, head turned toward the television.

 

They both cackle at the delightfully charming Don Knotts spending the night at the Simmons Mansion.

 

“Hey EG, we should go visit the Aldridge Mansion when we get back. For old time’s sake."

 

Erin smiles through a yawn, remembering her first ectoplasm encounter.

 

This time it’s Erin who falls fast asleep.

 

As the credits roll, Holtz kisses her forehead before lifting Erin into her arms and carrying her toward the back bedroom.

 

As she lays her down, Jillian thinks about what it would feel like to climb in…safe and held…protected…

 

But she wants it to be both of their decision.

 

Sleeping is sacred and vulnerable.

 

She pulls the ivory comforter over Erin, making sure she’s cozy and secure.

 

Looking at Erin, Holtz’s heart feels full of a new kind of wonder. She makes her way back to her lofted bed, climbing in and curling around her pillow.

 

 

 

 


	13. Buttercup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :,) small but...i wanted to write some more for them tonight

The owner now knows Jillian by name at Westbury Fudge Shoppe.

 

“Half pound each of butterscotch and chocolate-peanutbutter?”

 

“You're magical, Ms. Bettie.”

 

“Which one of you likes the butterscotch and which one the chocolate-peanutbutter?”

 

“Butterscotch for my buttercup,” Holtz says with a cheeky grin.

 

“You want me to write, ‘Dear Buttercup,’ on the description card?”

 

“Mmmmaybe.”

 

“Dear Buttercup, Love…?”

 

“Sometimes…she calls me ‘Sweetheart’…” Jillian says wistfully…softly.

 

 

“‘Dear Buttercup, Love your Sweetheart.’

Jillian…is this whole box for me?” Erin asks with a thousand-watt smile and fast-beating heart.

 

Erin opens the box on the porch swing where Holtz found her after returning from a few errands.

 

“You are allooowed to share some if you want,” Holtz replies.

 

“I think you’re the buttercup…with these pretty blonde curls…” Erin says running her fingers through the younger woman's hair.

 

“But I’m your sweetheart, BC.”

 

“You are…”

 

“I’ve never been anyone’s sweetheart.”

 

“Well, you’re the sweetest girl I know.”

 

“Am I _your_ …girl?” Holtz asks timid…hopeful…

 

“Would you like to be?”

 

“Very much.”

 

“You’re my girl, Jill.”

 

“What about when we get back?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“When…when this – when we are back, around…other… people.”

 

“Holtz…”

Erin starts, cheeks burning, but determined to push past her fear,

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the reasons you’re right for asking me that. I…I have a hard time disappointing people that I mean nothing to and pushing out the people who mean everything to me.

Who cares what Dr. Fillmore thinks of me when Dr. Holtzmann thinks I’m smart?”

 

“Thinks you’re brilliant, buttercup.”

 

“Brilliant...”

 

 


	14. Womb

The afternoon light is so orange it’s nearly crackling. The crickets have begun to sing. The sun will set in about four hours.

 

Jill walks out onto their beloved porch, a porch she’ll always remember as an instrumental part of “that summer with Erin. _Her_ Erin”.

 

Erin’s drinking a glass of lemonade reading Rosalind Franklin’s biography. Beside her is Holtzmann’s glass of sweet iced tea.

 

Jillian steps out timidly, wearing her new polka dotted black and white swimsuit. The bow ties at her neck. Her hair is pulled back in a loose bun, with soft messy ringlets framing her face.

 

“I wasn’t sure if I – um, um, should keep the shorts on or take them off?” she murmurs in her dulcet tone.

 

“What sweetheart?” Erin asks, her eyes flicking up from her book.

 

She catches sight of the engineer and her jaw goes slack. She thought whatever Holtz was doing to her before made her ache. This is like being punched in the stomach. All the wind knocked out of her body. She didn’t know a feeling could hurt like this and still feel so good.

 

Erin’s burning like the afternoon sun.

 

“Oh baby, you look beautiful.”

 

Jill swallows, blushing.

 

“Do I – look like a lady?”

 

“Yes...”

 

Holtz tugs at her ear before sliding off her black swim shorts, leaving her in the high-waisted matching bottoms.

 

Erin’s heart flutters. More than showing her skin, she’s baring her soul. She’s showing Erin she wants to do this…she wants to face her fear.

 

“I don’t really like tooo…um…shave my swimsuit area?…but I thought learning to swim with shorts on might beee… harder? to do…”

 

“Oh – that’s, that’s alright, Holtz, come here,” Erin says, her eyes flicking down.

 

Holtz seems so timid.

 

Soft curls peak out from the blonde’s swimsuit bottoms. Erin feels the same way she did in the doorway of Holtz’s apartment when she knew how long she’d been waiting for her.

 

She’s glad, for many reasons, that they’re alone, but right now it’s out of a primal need to keep her safe. Erin can’t bear the thought of anyone making fun of her.

 

“I’ll always protect you, Jill.”

 

The declaration seems to come spontaneously, but Jillian relaxes a bit.

 

Erin can’t seem to take her eyes off of the younger woman. Her skin is so smooth.

 

Her tummy, maybe Erin’s favorite part of her, is soft. As strong as Holtzmann is, she’s still so soft...

 

Her curves fold when she bends.

 

Erin remembers the first time she ever saw her…in Abby’s eccentric lab, wearing that adorable green cropped shirt underneath her light purple paint-splattered overalls.

 

She remembers seeing the smooth skin of Holtz’s back, the way her sides folded as she bent down to retrieve her bag. Erin became mesmerized by that part of Holtz.

 

She’s becoming mesmerized by every inch of her…

 

“Really?”

 

“Really.”

 

Erin waits for Jillian’s cue.

 

“I want to try – try to swim with you.”

 

 

 

The two walk down to the dock, hand in hand.

 

Erin puts her one-piece back on, and pulls her hair up off of her neck. She carries an orange and white striped tote bag with their towels.

 

As they make their way down to the water, Erin tries to ease the blonde’s anxiety.

 

“Jill…I know this is a big step…and I want this to be soothing for you. Will you promise me something?”

 

“Mm - that I’ll try?”

 

Erin rubs her arm.

 

“No, you’re already trying.”

 

Jill smiles shyly and leans her cheek against Erin’s shoulder as they walk.

 

“I want you to promise that you’ll trust me,” she pauses.

 

“I think…I think you lost your sense of trust and maybe, maybe we can restore it, just a little bit. Does that sound possible?”

 

“Mmm…” Holtz hums.

 

“I’ll make you a promise too, love.”

 

“Mm Mmm?”

 

Erin stops and takes both of her hands, “I promise I will not let go of you until you’re ready. I promise to do everything in my power to keep you safe.”

 

Jill tries her best to meet Erin’s eyes.

                                                                                                                     

Her voice is small, “…I’m scared.”

 

Erin’s heart nearly breaks.

 

“I know.”

 

“I trust you, Erin…I don’t trust the water or the world…but I trust you.”

 

The two head over to the banks with the strawberry firetails. Holtz bends down and picks one, twirling it between her fingers.

 

“Just so I know where to start. Have you ever…tried swimming before? Even when you were little, before…”

 

"...Abby?" Jillian asks.

 

"Told me what happened..." Erin answers, a wave of pain hitting her chest.

 

Jill shifts her weight from one foot to the other. Erin notices the way her body turns sideways, how she brings one foot against her opposite leg in a gesture that typically pulls her pants leg down when it’s ridden up. But her legs are bare. She's subconsciously trying to cover herself. 

 

Erin reaches out for her hand again.

 

“Mm… Mama took me to Coney Island to visit my grandfather in the summers. We would go down to the shore and she’d carry me out to the waves. Grandpa had a pool membership, so she bought me these pink floaties and I would jump in to her.”

Jill pauses.

“I remember taking the floaties off and swimming on her back like a mermaid. I’d gather up her hair and put it over her shoulder, then hold on around her neck. She would dive under, carrying me with her.

But after… I couldn’t…I didn’t want to go swimming again without her…”

 

Holtz feels the trepidation creep up her back as a single drop of sweat trickles down her chest, between her breasts.

 

Erin moves closer to her, putting a finger underneath her chin.

 

Jill looks up.

 

“Abby said you swim like an angel.”

 

“Did she?”

 

“Yeah…and I believe her. You look like an angel.” Holtz grins.

 

Erin blushes, fiddling with a piece of hair. Her freckles have become more pronounced with the summer sun.

 

“I’ve got something for you,” Erin says, reaching into her bag.

 

Jillian smiles when she sees the surprise.

 

“They’re tinted just like your other goggles, but they’re made for swimming.”

 

“When did you? – ”

 

“Ordered them. I sneaked the package in the second day we were here…I thought maybe they might help – ”

 

“I love them,” Holtz beams, adjusting the straps and pulling them over her eyes proudly.

 

 

 

Jill grips Erin’s hand as they make their way to the water.

 

They pause when their toes reach the edge.

 

Erin moves behind her, wrapping her arms tight around Jill’s stomach, resting her chin on her shoulder.

 

"Erinn..." Jill whimpers.

 

She’s too sweet to be this afraid, Erin thinks.

 

There’s so much Erin’s bought into in her life about ‘healing herself’. About not counting on others.

 

But would she ever try to repair her own physically damaged heart if she were to need surgery? Would she really lay on a surgeon’s table and try to steal their scalpel to repair it herself?

 

Or would she trust them to make the incision, and make the organ work again?

 

Erin determines to heal this part of Holtz. It’s her highest calling so far in life, and she’s taught astrophysics at Columbia University and saved New York City from the apocalypse.

 

There’s a breeze that takes Erin back to the afternoon she began to really see Jillian.

 

“Physics is the study of the movement of bodies in space, and it can unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it cannot answer the essential question of what is our purpose here – and to me, the purpose of life is to love…”

 

Erin places a kiss to Jillian’s temple.

 

"Um, it looks very deep...what - what if we get sucked into a different dimension underwater. What, what, what if – "

Holtz's hands are on either side of her head pressing the goggles on tighter.

 

"Would Dr. Erin Gilbert let you down?"

 

The physicist knows she sounds patronizing. If anyone else patronized Holtz, Erin would punch their lights out.

 

But the engineer responds to the coddling, turning in her arms, burying her head under Erin’s chin.

 

"Up."

 

Erin happily obliges. Sliding her hands underneath Holtz’s arms and lifting her to her hips as Holtz wraps her thighs around Erin's waist.

 

“Would you trust me to carry you into the water? I will stay right where we can touch.”

 

Shaking a bit, Holtz takes a deep breath, “Mmm…”

 

“I’ve got you, sweetheart.”

 

“Mmm K.”

 

Erin walks in slowly. She hums a soft melody, feeling secure in her element.

 

She pauses briefly with the water hitting her knees, before Holtz's feet hit the water.

 

“We’re not going very deep, remember?" Erin asks, "You okay?”

 

Holtz nods, threading her hand through Erin’s pony-tail.

 

"Brrr..." she shivers, as the water reaches her bum. 

 

“Still okay, Jill?”

 

Holtz takes a deep breath.

 

“Still okay, buttercup.”

 

Erin stops when the water level reaches her navel. Holtz’s legs and hips are completely submerged and she’s buoyant in Erin’s arms.

 

“We’re just going to get used to it, okay?”

 

“K”

 

Jillian rests her head on Erin’s shoulder as the physicist gathers little handfuls of water. She gently pours the water down Jillian's shoulders, letting the cool drops trickle down her back.

 

“Mmm…This must be what it felt like in the womb,” Jill observes, sighing and melting against Erin’s body.

 

Erin smiles. Only Holtz would come up with such a strange, yet apt comparison.

 

She gathers another handful of water, and pours it slowly over Holtz’s head, causing the engineer to squeeze her eyes shut and pull her face back, pressing her forehead into Erin's.

 

Her baby blue eyes sparkle from the sunlight bouncing off the lake. Her cheeks are pink, and her chest pushes against the physicist's every time she inhales.

 

“I love you,” Erin whispers against her lips, “so much.”

 

“You had to drag me out into the water to finally say it back, BC?”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be,” Holtz responds, tilting her head and pressing her lips into the redhead's.

 

Erin brings her hand up to cup Holtz’s cheek, sliding her fingers behind her ear.

 

Holtz squeezes her thighs around Erin’s waist so hard the older woman loses her breath.

 

“Don’t…Drop…Me,” Holtz pants in between kisses.

 

“Never,” Erin moans, capturing Jill’s swollen lips with her own.

 

 


	15. Breathe

Erin pulls back to catch her breath. Their kiss leaves her breathless and hazy. She slides her hands underneath Holtz’s thighs.

 

“Your lips are…soft,” Holtz says dreamily.

 

“Your skin’s so soft…” Erin replies, staring down at the engineer’s chest.

 

“Huhmm,” she continues clearing her throat, “Are you ready to try something?”

 

“Oooh, naughty girl,” Holtz taunts.

 

“Nooo, Mm, No, I mean in the water. Back-floating?”

 

Holtz peers down into the water sliding her goggles from their perch on her head back over her eyes.

 

“I won’t let go,” Erin reminds her, “Not until you’re ready. Do you think you could try standing?” Erin asks.

 

Holtz slowly loosens her grip, letting her legs slide down Erin’s body in the water.

 

“Mmmmm,” she whimpers.

 

“I’ve got you. I’m right here…”

 

Jillian stands on top of Erin’s feet, her arms clinging to her waist.

 

Erin tries to suppress a giggle, but this display is too cute.

 

“S’not funny, BC.”

 

“I just really love you, Jillian Holtzmann,” Erin replies still giggling.

 

Holtz turns her face pressing her cheek into Erin’s chest. She’ll never get tired of hearing Erin say that, even if she is laughing at her.

 

“Good lesson. Time to be on land now.”

 

Erin cups Jill’s face, turns her eyes toward hers, searching.

 

“I’m not laughing at you, sweetheart. I just think you’re adorable. Will you try floating for me? Please?” Erin asks, thumbs brushing against Holtz’s cheeks.

 

Holtz can’t deny her.

 

“Yes,” she says suppressing a bashful grin.

 

“Good. Come here."

 

Erin scoops Holtz up, one arm underneath her back, the other holding her legs.

 

“I will explain everything, then we’ll give it a try. Okay?”

 

Holtz nods.

 

“Humans are buoyant. If you follow a few simple rules, you will float,” Erin explains, now in full teacher mode.

 

“First, when I lower you down, you’re going to lean back and put your head on my shoulder. You have to put it all the way back, ears in the water. Your head is the heaviest part of your body and if your head is up, your body will sink, but if your head is back – ”

 

“My body will float,” Holtz smiles, catching on. She didn’t study physics for nothing.

 

“Right!” Erin answers, “You also want to keep your arms out away from your body, and spread your legs, like a starfish.”

 

“I wanna be a mermaid,” Holtz pouts.

 

“We’ll get there. Mermaids swim. Starfishes float.

 

“Starfishes float?” Holtz asks skeptically.

 

“This starfish will,” Erin says, kissing Jill’s nose.

 

“The last thing you have to remember about floating is pushing your belly all the way up toward the sky. You don’t need to hold your breath though. Just breathe like you normally would.”

 

“Head back, ears underwater, arms and legs out like a starfish, belly up, breathe normal. Got it,” Holtz says, a crease forming between her eyebrows.

 

“But…how do I breathe, when I swim underwater…?” Holtz wonders, concerned.

 

“We’ll get here. The simple answer is, you blow bubbles. Blow out when you’re under, breathe in when you come up. But for now, it’s just in and out, in and out…”

 

“In and out…” Holtz repeats.

 

“I’m going to kneel, okay, but I’ve still got you.” Erin says, bending down in the water.

 

“Good girl, head back,” she instructs as Jill lays her head back toward Erin’s shoulder.

 

Holtz’s ears touch the water and her body stiffens, eyes wide, head jolting up.

 

“It’s okay! You’re alright,” Erin assures, coaxing her head back onto her shoulder, “you’ll get used to the feeling.”

 

The physicist smooths back her hair, keeping one arm wrapped tight underneath the engineer’s back.

 

“Good, relax your body Jill, head back, and look up at the sky.”

 

Erin’s mouth is right next to Jillian’s ear. The younger woman’s cheek rests against her neck - her breathing is shaky and audible.

 

Holtz focuses on the sky…the sun hiding behind the clouds - the pink and orange hues made softer by her yellow lenses.

 

Erin murmurs encouragingly, distracting her from the strange feel of water in her ears.

 

The engineer feels Erin shift her hand slightly, and reactively reaches her own hand back, gripping on to the physicist’s swim suit strap.

 

“Not letting go, Jill, just getting in a better position,” Jill’s grip is strong, nearly pulling her suit down.

 

“Relax, baby…relax…there you go,” Erin encourages, feeling her let go and move her hands out by her side.

 

“Good, Jill. Push your belly all the way up to the sky.”

 

Jillian arches her back, tummy up as high as she can get it out of the water, pretty blue eyes wide and unblinking behind her goggles. She bites her bottom lip, taking deep breaths through her nose. Her ears and shoulders are back, and Erin holds her still…wishes time could stand still…

 

They stay like this for a quiet moment…Jillian’s head resting on Erin’s shoulder, the weight of her body weightless in the water. Erin’s fingertips are all that remain on her arched back.

 

Perfect…

 

“Good! Good girl! You’re doing it, Jillian!” Erin exclaims euphorically, her deep blue eyes beaming.

 

Erin’s voice sounds strange, muffled, far away.

 

Jill moves to sit up, but hasn’t yet learned the art of bending her knees to sink her body back down.

 

She flails a bit helplessly until Erin scoops her back up, kissing her firmly on the mouth.

 

“That was incredible, sweetheart!”

 

“Really?”

 

“I’m so proud of you.”

 

Jill beams. “I didn’t drown.”

 

“No, you didn’t. You were floating!”

 

“You held me.”

 

“Yes, but if I would have let go – ”

 

Jill’s eyes grow large.

 

“I won’t - not until you’re ready - but if I had, you would’ve been doing it on your own.”

 

“I feel like a little kid who still needs training wheels…am I stupid?”

 

Erin stays on her knees, Jillian’s arms wrapped around her neck.

 

“No. God, no, Jill. A _lot_ of adults can’t swim. Most aren’t brave enough to admit it. But the ones that are, start out just like you. They just don’t end up in my arms after.”

 

Holtz blushes.

 

“It doesn’t matter if it’s a child or an adult, when they’re first learning, everyone starts out the same.”

 

“You were a swim teacher too, BC?”

 

“Yes. I used to teach swimming. My favorite classes were the adult classes.”

 

“Who was your favorite student?”

 

Erin feigns contemplation.

 

“I’m holding her.”

 

“Whooo was your sexiest student?”

 

“Hmm… that’s a tough – ”

 

Holtz wiggles her eyebrows.

 

“Oh. I remember now.”

 

“I just… I feel bad…”

 

“How come?”

 

“I - um…don’t want this to be the summer you were supposed to relax and I ruined it by needing you…to teach me – to swim…”

 

Erin pulls her closer.

 

“I mean this with every breath in my body – if I did this everyday with you for the rest of my life, nothing would be ruined at all.”

 

Jill’s dimples appear in all their adorable glory.

 

“Can we try again?”

 

“Absolutely.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your thoughts below :,)


	16. Let Go

There’s two more hours of daylight left in the evening sky, and Holtz has almost mastered her back float.

 

“I want to watch you now.”

 

Erin smiles.

 

“Let me wet my hair.”

 

“Wait – ”

 

Erin pauses, mid inhale. Holtz reaches for her hand.

 

Erin interlaces their fingers, palms facing each other.

 

“1, 2, 3…” Erin counts, and then she’s under.

 

Holtz falters and squeezes tighter, pulling her back up – back to her side.

 

Erin gasps, loves the feeling of being wet – the coolness, the experience of breaking the surface.

 

“Hold onto me.”

 

She lays back, just like she taught Jillian. Her ears are under… her stomach pushed toward the sun, she floats effortlessly…

 

Holtz holds on, clutching one of Erin’s hand between both of hers…

 

Her view of Erin’s serene face – long dark lashes closed against sun-kissed, freckled cheeks. A crown of red-hair fans out into the water and Holtz brushes her fingers through the soft strands.

 

She ghosts her hand over Erin’s body – her collar-bone, her chest, her stomach, stopping just before reaching the “v” shape of her white swimsuit formed between her legs…

 

She thinks about it, briefly, what it would feel like to touch Erin there…

 

She trails her hand back up, tracing Erin’s face…over her nose, the space between her nose and lips…

 

“Mmm,” Erin sighs against her fingers.

 

She opens her eyes to Jill’s angelic features, soft with adoration and longing…

 

“Your turn…”

 

And Jill trusts her.

 

She leans back, weightless – Erin stands above her, hands beneath her back.

 

She feels Erin move her hand on her stomach, one still underneath.

 

It’s more an act of affection than support, and she feels safe _._

 

Humans are buoyant…

 

“Let go.”

 

Erin falters, “Are you sure?”

 

She isn’t, but she has to try.

 

“Let go,” Jill repeats.

 

And it’s strange, this feeling Erin feels, and it hurts somewhere she wasn’t expecting.

 

How can she let go when she just began to hold on.

 

But she knows this moment is not about her, not really. It’s about Jillian.

 

It’s about Jillian being eight years old. The moment she was totally and completely unable to…

 

“Let go.”

 

And Erin slides her hands away from the softness of Jill's body, and physics proves itself true once more…

 

A tiny gasp.

 

She doesn’t know if it’s her own or Jill’s, but she watches for the rise and fall of her chest as Jill hangs suspended –

 

Makes sure that she remembers to breathe, and stays close.

 

The sunlight dances through the leaves on the water. The crickets sing,

 

And the water holds Jillian, like magic, as her mind turns backwards in time…

 

She closes her eyes where she’s moments before her birth, suspended inside…safe.

 

Then, one-day-old, brand new at her mother’s breast,

 

And next, she’s four-years-old in her first tiny suit.

 

“My dapper little prince,” her mother gushes, ruffling Jillian’s matte of curls.

 

They don’t sell suits in the little girl’s department at the store where her mother works. The store clerk in the boys’ department looks on in concern.

 

Jillian bursts with pride.

 

“I’m not a boy, Mama,” she proclaims, when her mother explains why they must go to that department to search for what Holtz would like to wear to her pre-school graduation.

 

“Of course not. No, I know, Jillian...”

 

“I’m a girl, Mama,” the small child insists. “Why - why don’t the - they make suits for girls?”

 

“That’s a very good question, my darling.”

 

Holtz’s mother never had any use for conventions. She refers to Jill as her bumble bee, her handsome knight, her cutie pie, her little angel, her sweetest girl, and now…her dapper prince.

 

“And you’re, my – my Pince-seth. Prrince-seth. Printh-ess!”

 

Oh how Ms. Holtzmann never wanted her daughter to outgrow her stutter or lisp. If she could just keep her safe…

 

Out of the judging eyes of shopkeepers.  

 

“I’ll always be your Princess, darling. And you are my very best girl.

 

We’ll take it,” she states to the clerk.

 

The water shifts, “head back, belly up,” she remembers, and she’s weightless once more…

 

…And then, she’s eight and a half…snuggled up, fast asleep on a couch, in the dragon costume her mother had sewn for her.

 

Pink scales and a red tail...She refuses to take it off.

 

She holds the tail in her hand like a security blanket, curled around her body, her thumb in her mouth as she sleeps.

 

She wears it to school.

 

“Weirdo,” the other kids tease.

 

“Say something, freak.”

 

She doesn’t speak. She has no use for words.

 

Not until she’s nine, and visits her first science laboratory…

 

“Proton Stream,” she repeats to the startled ears of her older companion.

 

Her world begins to fill in a little more…but there is still a part that remains in the water with her mother, afraid if she takes her hands away, she’ll be…lost…

 

Let go…

 

She’ll never let go of her mother, but the pain…the fear…she can let go of the pain and the fear…

 

Can’t she?

 

“Jillian…Jill…” she hears Erin now.

 

Erin…

 

She blinks, tucks her knees and stands up.

 

 


	17. Hold On

Three days come and go like magic.

 

They are the best; and simultaneously, the longest and fastest days of Erin Gilbert’s life.

 

Erin’s a planner, and even with all her delicate planning, she could have never planned for such extraordinary events.

 

Events like watching her precious girlfriend… ** _her_** _girlfriend_ …float on her back by herself, pick another dozen wildflowers for her, befriend a floppy brown bunny-rabbit – and she did insist on calling the animal by its full scientific name: bunny-rabbit.

 

They spend most of the three days in the water together – bodies touching… Holtz’s arms wrapped around her neck…cheek to cheek…lips to cheek…lips to lips…

 

“Blow, like this, like your blowing out birthday candles,” Erin instructs putting her lips in the water.

 

Jill is fantastic at bubble blowing. Who knew?

 

She even has sound effects to go along.

 

Erin gets caught with her head back laughing, tears forming more times in these three days than she has in her whole life.

 

“I’ll hold onto you. You count.”

 

“Mm Mm. You count, E.”

 

“Okay – 1, 2, 3…”

 

They each take a gulp of air as Erin pulls them both under, squeezing Holtz tight, down into a world with two hydrogens and one oxygen, like a baptism

 

And when they break the surface together, Jill is _smiling_. Erin cries.

 

She’s so proud. So happy.

 

She loves the weightlessness of being in the water with her. The way the sun shines through the trees, the way Jillian’s hair looks when it’s wet, curls framing her face, sticking to her cheek and neck…

 

The way their bodies transcend gravity in the water, limbs connected and touching, smooth skin and soft flesh and strong arms, and thighs around her waist…

 

And the way Holtz holds onto her as she learns, and Erin holds on too, and never wants to let go…

 

 

The morning of the second day she teaches Jillian to kick.

 

Wrapped around her neck, the engineer lets her legs float up behind her. Erin swims on her back, holding Holtz’s body underneath at her hips and thighs.

 

Jill concentrates, the crease between her eyebrows prominent, getting used to the motion.

 

Smiling now, above Erin, she makes big splashes with her feet.

 

“You got it! You’re making us go!”

 

Erin swims the breaststroke kick on her back…fitting stroke name based on their position, she thinks…

 

Their chests collide with each thrust from her legs, her mouth so close to Jillian’s as she breathes harder and harder. Their bodies, awkward at first, join in tandem now, skin to skin…

 

It’s intimate, joyful, erotic…beautiful…

 

“We’re…almost…there…”

 

 

After lunch, they make their way back to the dock, slipping into the water as Erin teaches Holtz how to tread.

 

The engineer begins a little frantically, but finds her rhythm soon enough…

 

Erin’s soothing encouragement eases Holtz, calms her, protects her…

 

They swim to the ladder and Erin climbs up behind Holtz…bodies touching, front to back. Erin shudders.

                                      

No one has ever given her butterflies - she feels like they might take her into flight with them.

 

“I think you’re ready to jump, Jill. What do you think?”

 

A breath…let out slowly between her lips … eyes concentrating.

 

“Watch me first. I’ll go down and come right back up,” she explains before springing off into a perfect dive.

 

Her body arcs into the air. She’s so graceful, and powerful, and…

 

She surfaces. Holtz lets out her breath.

 

“Okay Holtz, you can do this! Your kick is strong, and I’m right here! I will get you if you don’t come up right away..”

 

The color in Jill’s face slowly drains…

 

“You can do it, Jillian…I know you can do it…

 

Jump to me – right to my hand.”

 

Holtz makes a strangled sound, but she’s off - and time stands still.

 

She’s up, she’s in the air, her eyes are closed, her hand is out. She’s terrified.

 

And Erin’s right there as she crashes through the surface, plunges beneath… and her kick _is_ strong.

 

Erin’s hand is in hers and she’s coming back up…

 

And that first breath of air is everything. It’s everything…

 

“Good girl!! Good! Keep kicking,” Erin encourages as they make their way back to the ladder.

 

Holtz jumps again, and again, and again…

 

And it’s beautiful.

 

She learns quickly how to cannonball and Erin now truly understands what people mean when they talk about having a crush on someone.

 

Jillian Holtzmann is the light of the world as far she’s concerned…

 

The way her lips look when they’re wet, the squealing sound she makes as she leaps off the dock…

 

The laughter in Erin’s ear when Holtz resurfaces every time.

 

 

The three days also consist of food.

 

They have dinner together – a picnic – with fruit and sandwiches.

 

Holtz brings out the FM radio she soldered from a kit Erin brought for her.

 

The station plays classic hits from Frank Sinatra and Judy Garland, and Erin pulls out her camera. She’s often shy about taking photos…

 

“It’s dorky, I know. Everyone thinks they’re some kind of photographer these days. So silly…”

 

Holtzmann doesn’t think it’s silly.

 

She poses for her on the picnic blanket in her swimsuit.

 

Her eyes are dreamy, her hips accentuated, her breasts full and framed by the sweetheart top, her hair is loose around her shoulders, her face is like a doll…

 

“You could be a movie star…” Erin muses.

 

“I’ll be your movie star,” Holtz responds, pouting her lips coyly.

 

“That’s perfect…” Erin whispers, snapping the photograph.

 

Erin wonders what she ever did to deserve these moments…

 

 

By the third day, Jillian has coordinated her leg and arm movement. She’s getting the hang of it, and Erin’s cheering her on.

 

“Go, baby, go. Kick, kick!”

 

She’s swum a few strokes ahead as Jill attempts to make it the 25 yards they’ve marked out, without touching the bottom.

 

A gust of wind blows a mouthful of water into Holtz’s lungs as she turns to the side to breathe.

 

Erin’s there in a split second.

 

Jill’s choking, but she's able to cough.

 

“Hey, hey, you’re okay…” She pats her on the back, encouraging her to keep coughing.

 

“You’re not supposed to drink it, baby,” Erin teases, pulling her against her chest, still patting her in between her shoulders.

 

Jill pulls back, searching Erin’s eyes. Her cheeks are red from the exertion, a small stream of saliva runs down her chin from nearly coughing up her lungs.

 

“It still happens to me sometimes,” Erin sympathizes, rubbing soothing circles on her back.

 

“You swallow the entire lake too?” Holtz asks, her breathing starting to even out.

 

“Sometimes. Not as often. You’ll get used to closing your mouth more quickly. It’s a learned art.”

 

“Teach me this art.”

 

“Well, breathing is one of the hardest parts of learning to swim…when to blow out, how many strokes to take between breaths, whether to breathe through your mouth or nose, and how to hold your breath longer if a wave comes…It comes down to practice…

 

And you’re doing so good…look how far you made it!”

 

“Woooww!” Holtz enthuses, blue eyes sparkling, as she absorbs the distance she covered.

 

“You’re an A Plus Triple Plus times Infinity Plus teacher, Dr. Gilbert.”

 

“Tell that to Columbia University…" Erin says, rolling her eyes.

 

"Sorry,” she quickly adds, embarrassed.

 

“Don’t be sorry, Buttercup…those asshats knew what they were giving up.”

 

“What…What do you mean?”

 

“They knew how brilliant you were Erin… dedicated, hard-working…they didn’t want anyone pushing boundaries. Stretching them. They liked their easy cowardly dude bubble.”

 

“I suppose maybe – ”

 

“ –  that I’m right?” Holtz quips, raising her eyebrows.

 

“Yes.”

 

Holtz lays her head on Erin’s shoulder.

 

How can someone be so smart, powerful, astute, and…tender…all in one singular moment? Erin wonders, stroking Jill’s back.

 

“Come on, then. Prove I’m a great teacher and swim from this side to the bank.”

 

Holtz may have had a fear of water…still does in some respects, but she _loves_ a challenge.

 

 

 

 

As Holtz takes a shower, Erin begins making dinner and texts Abby.

 

_She did it! Abby, she did it! She swam!_

_Twenty Five Yards! By HERSELF!_

 

 

Abby opens the text, eyes welling up. Why does that glorious weirdo turn her into such a sap?

 

She starts to text Erin back when her phone lights up with Holtz's number.

 

"Hey there, Dr. Mermaid"

 

_“I did it!”_

 

Abby’s tears finally spill over.

 

_"Abs! I did it!_

 

_...Abbayyy… Helloooo,”_

 

“That’s good, toots.”

 

_“Why do you sound sad?”_

 

“I’m – Ah geez…get it together, Yates,” Abby mutters.

 

"I’m not sad.”

 

Holtzmann often has a hard time recognizing emotions appearing out of context. Even with her closest confidant.

 

_“Abs?...”_

 

“I’m so proud of you…I couldn’t be more proud of anyone."

 

Abby's voice is barely above a whisper.

 

_“Are you crying, Abby?”_

 

“Dammit, yes,” she sniffs.

 

_“Abs - I did not, I repeat, I did not sink.”_

 

“I know, Holtzmann. You swam…”

 

 _“I swam!”_ Holtz beams.

 

“I love you.”

 

_“I love you more._

 

_You were right about Erin.”_

 

“Ah yeah? How’s that?”

 

_“She swims just like an angel.”_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love reading your thoughts/feedback/comments. If you have any other thoughts you can also email me. I have one set up for this fandom :,))


	18. Warmth

After the pair finish dinner, the exhaustion from the day sets in.

 

Erin is quiet and chews her lip as she clears their dishes.

 

“What’s wrong, E?”

 

Erin shrugs. Holtz moves to be by her side.

 

“Talk to me, baby,” Holtz says soothingly, resting a hand on Erin’s back.

 

“It’s just….today’s the 17th ... Next month is so close, and…Abby sent me pictures of the renovations, and they’re amazing…I just… I just don’t…”

 

“Like change…” Jill finishes.

 

“Yeah, exactly. I know it’s good change. And getting back to work will be good too. I miss it actually, but I wish I could stay here with you…forever…” Erin gets quiet before adding,

“What if when we get back you…get tired of me…?” she looks down, ashamed.

 

“Erin…” Jill moves closer, “That’s impossible…I love you…”

 

“But, I’m so boring. My life is boring. Even my apartment is boring.”

 

“Your life is certainly noooot boring, Dr. Erin Gilbert Ph.D, Specialist of Particle Physics, former Professor, current Ghostbuster and City Saver.

 

And _you_ as a human, boring? Are you kidding me, E? _You_ with your tiny bowties and quirky giggles and witty humor and white hot anger and sweet soft kisses? _You_ with your epic dance moves and jet-black eyelashes and smooth long legs and – ”  

 

“Okay, Okay,” Erin blushes. “You’re sweet, Holtz. _But_ …you haven’t seen my apartment,” she quips with a small smile.

 

“Yeah, why _is_ that Dr. Gilbert?”

 

“Because it’s a product of my boring life and it is unworthy of your majestic presence.”

 

“I bet it’s not boring. I bet the cupboards are filled with the tea you like to drink, and I bet your soft purple robe is draped over your bed, and all your favorite books are on a shelf…

and maybe you haven’t hung up art or photographs because…it hasn’t felt like home to you…maaaybe we can get some photos of us and maybe a pet cat named Beatrice– just a thought – and maaaybe…I can spend time there when we’re back?”

 

“I’d like that,” Erin smiles.

 

“So, that’s a yes to Beatrice?”

 

“Only if she’s not too fluffy and you train her to use the toilet.”

 

“How about super fluffy and I invent a self-cleaning litter-box robot?”

 

“You’re really trying to turn me into a proper lesbian, aren’t you?”

 

“Proper is my life motto,” Holtz replies with a cheeky grin.

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“Wait, are you a lesbian?” the blonde enquires.

 

“…Aren’t you my girlfriend?”

 

“Well yeah, but…didn’t you date that toad named Phil? I thought you might be bisexual, or one of the other 14 letters in the gay alphabet, or that my charm was just irresistible,” Holtz winks.

 

“But you’re a lesbian, right?” Erin asks.

 

“One hundred percent Lez.”

 

“If you’re a lesbian, I’m a lesbian.”

 

“Is this like, ‘If you’re a bird, I’m a bird?’”

 

“Something like that,” Erin smiles dreamily.

 

“You gonna build me my dream house, EG? With a wrap-around porch?”

 

“Only if you’ll paint me pictures out there, without your shirt on.”

 

“I can do that…” Jillian says softly, turning to face Erin fully.

 

The physicist moves her hands up to cup Jill’s smiling dimpled cheeks…melting into the sky blue eyes staring back at her.

 

“Erin, I won’t grow tired of you. Every day I want you more and more…I feel like, I feel – like I…need you, even…” Holtz pauses. She doesn’t want to sound clingy.

 

“I need you too, Jill – so much.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes…I want you and I need you. You…make me so happy…”

 

“Well, I’m not going anywhere. I’m all yours,” Holtz whispers, leaning in for a deep, slow kiss.

 

 

Erin is nearly finished with _The Likeness_ as Jillian’s head becomes heavier in her lap.

 

“You sleepy, sweetheart?”

 

“Mmm,” Jill mewls.

 

“Come to bed with me.”

 

“With? You?” Holtz asks, a little more alert.

 

Erin looks down sheepishly at Jillian’s sleepy face.

 

“Yes…with me…if you want to. If it’s not too soon. I know we’ve only been dating a couple weeks, but I’ve…loved you…for a lot longer, so I thought…maybe…”

 

“Yes,” Jill says.

 

 

The two crawl into Erin’s bed, and Erin wraps Jillian in the small blanket with tiny yellow flowers, before pulling the fluffy ivory comforter over the two of them.

 

She can’t believe she’s going to get to spend the whole night next to the engineer. Jillian’s body feels so good pressed up against her.

 

“Are you comfortable, sweetie – warm enough?”

 

“MmmmmmmMmmmmm…” Jill responds nuzzling into Erin’s side.

 

Erin feels happiness radiating from the younger woman…radiating into her.

 

Jill reaches for Erin’s hand, and Erin feels that sweet, low ache.

 

She holds Jill’s hand against her heart, causing a warmth to spread throughout her body.

 

She presses her lips to the younger woman’s temple, tucking her body closer around the blonde’s, making sure she knows she’s safe.

 

Jill nearly melts from the elated, warm feeling tingling in her body.

 

How can she have gone so long without this feeling?

 

She was made to be held.

 

 


	19. Affection

Erin rolls over lazily in the big bed she shared with Jillian last night. Her girlfriend’s little face is turned toward her.

 

 _She has the cutest nose_ …Erin thinks, reaching out, lightly, to rub her hand in small circles in the center of the blonde’s back.

 

 _She’s so warm_ …Erin smiles, tears springing to her eyes. She wipes her tears with the back of her hand, and watches Jill sleep in the morning light. Her tender eyelashes have a natural curl like her lively hair. Erin’s never had the opportunity to really look at them; but they’re dark blonde, thin, and soft, and so pretty…

 

 _She’s so pretty_ …

 

Holtz has been awake before Erin the past couple of mornings, so this feels like a gift.

 

She plans to make them breakfast and let Jillian sleep in. The soft colors from the orange and violet morning sun peer in through the window as she lifts the covers back. Jill’s legs are all tangled up around the sheets.

And is that…is that…? _Oh poor Jill_ … Erin thinks, as the sleepy woman rolls over disoriented, looking between her legs at the sheet intertwined with her thighs.

 

“Hey – it’s okay – I’ve gotten blood on so many random surfaces…” Erin trails off, making a face at her absurd sentence, trying to be nonchalant without embarrassing the engineer.

 

“Oooh no…no, no, no…” Jill groans groggily, smacking herself in the face.

 

“No, it’s alright, sweetheart – ”

 

“I should’ve been more careful. I always forget when it’s going to happen. It’s not even that hard to figure out. It’s. Once. A. Month. Jillian.” She punctuates each word with another slap to her forehead.

 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Erin soothes, gently pulling Jill’s hand away from her face. She wants to tell her good morning and pull her into her arms, but Jill’s confidence seems totally shaken, and Erin worries that the engineer is afraid she’s angry or annoyed at the mess. Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

“These are white sheets too! Ugghh…” Jill groans, covering her face.

“I’ll clean it up, Erin, I’m so sorry,” she stammers, stumbling out of bed, trying to close her legs and not let her blood-soaked underwear be any more obvious than they are.

 

“Jill it’s okay, really. Hey – I’m not upset. We can wash the sheets in cold water – they’ll come clean. If not, we’ll buy more.”

 

“I should’ve been more careful…” Holtz says near despair. She makes her way into the bathroom before Erin can stop her.

 

The physicist pulls back the comforter finding blood only on the sheets. This deep affection Erin feels is so new to her. Even Jillian's blood, and the mess its made is, in its own way, endearing to her... Love is a strangely intoxicating thing, Erin realizes.

 

She strips the bed and throws the blankets in the machine to wash on cold. She retrieves a fresh set from the linen closet and makes up the bed.

 

“All clean!” she calls.

 

“Easy peasy, lemon squeezy!” she tries again, cheerfully, against the bathroom door, cringing slightly at how uncool she sounds.

 

No reply.

 

Holtz runs a bath, taking off her underwear and rinsing them out in the sink. Oh no…should she have done that? Her cramps really hurt.

 

The bathroom is spacious and a white claw-foot tub sits alone under a window. There is a large mirror trimmed in a pale green frame with similar green wallpaper dotted in tiny blue flowers. Jill avoids her disheveled appearance and turns away from the mirror.

 

She steps into the water with her panties in-hand, wrapping her arms underneath her thighs, hugging her knees to her chest.

 

Holtz hears Erin call to her about the bed being clean but can’t bring herself to respond.

 

She wipes the blood from her inner thighs with one of the lavender washcloths, and squeezes the blood out of the cloth as well as her underwear, hanging them both over the side of the basin. She loved these panties. She wore them special for Erin. Just in case…

 

Maybe it’s being in a bathtub, maybe it’s the memory of her mother, the lake she can see from the window – that’s been such a huge step for her, or maybe it’s the pain low in her abdomen and the blood tinting the water a bright red, but all she can manage to do is cry.

 

“Jill?”

 

Erin…

 

“Jill, baby? It’s okay. Can I come in?”

 

Erin’s never seen her naked. Jill wants that to happen…she wants it so bad she can hardly stand it, but she doesn’t want her to see her like this. She feels like all she’s done this whole trip is cry. And why does it feel like there’s a belt around her middle squeezing all of the oxygen out of her lower back?

 

“I’ll keep my eyes closed,” Erin says, reading her mind.

 

“You may enter,” Holtz says weakly, trying to smile through the pain and embarrassment of the situation.

 

Erin enters with her hand covering her eyes.

 

“Hi sweet pea,” she says walking slowly in the general direction of the tub.

 

Holtz directs her until she’s seated on the soft bathmat next to the bathtub.

 

“I’m sorry, E. Thank you for being so patient with me.”

 

“You make it very easy, sweetheart,” Erin says biting her lip, listening to Jillian breathe beside her, knowing how smooth her skin must look right now.

 

“Are you having cramps? I – I could go grab you some ibuprofen or – anything you need…tampons? pads? Luna Cup?”

 

“Mine’s actually called a Diva Cup,” Holtz says shyly. Erin smiles to herself at the name. Everything about Holtz is unpredictable, yet somehow fits.

 

“Um, and yeah, it’s in the side pocket of my duffle bag inside a purple drawstring little bag. You can – um – just carry it in the drawstring bag – and um, ibuprofen would be nice.”

 

Erin has to nearly put her ear in the tub to hear her. Sometimes Holtz is so loud, and sometimes she’s so…quiet. She’s like the sun and the moon all wrapped up into a beautiful cosmic force of her own.

 

“Of course. I’ll be right back,” Erin says, getting up and walking toward what she hopes is the door.

 

Erin fumbles through the engineer’s bag and finds the diva cup, then heads to the cupboard to get some ibuprofen she packed, and a glass of water.

 

“Knock, knock,” she says, entering the bathroom with her eyes closed. She makes her way to the counter to put down the items and accidentally opens her eyes catching a tiny glimpse of Jillian’s bare back, the side of her breast, and thigh.

 

She swallows, covering her eyes with her hand again.

 

 _Oh my God, she’s so unbelievably perfect_ …

 

“Thanks, Erin. Um – will you…could you put a piece of toast in the toaster for me?” Holtz asks timidly as Erin is about to head out of the room.

 

Erin turns, hand still covering her face, “Sure, baby, I’m about to go make you a whole breakfast. You want toast? I was planning to make blueberry pancakes.”

 

“I like pancakes,” Holtz answers with a small smile, relaxing a little.

 

“I know, baby,” Erin answers. “Take your time, it’ll be waiting for you.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment if you're enjoying / what you like. who do you relate more to: erin or jillian?


	20. Desperation

Erin hums peacefully, as she flips the last pancake into the pan when Jillian wraps her arms around her from behind, placing a warm, sensual kiss to the side of her neck.

 

“Morning, Erin.”

 

“Good morning, Beautiful,” Erin responds, spinning to wrap the blonde in her arms.

 

“How do you feel?” she asks, reaching between them to place her hand on Jill’s stomach.

 

“Better, thanks to my sexy girlfriend.”

 

Erin blushes, “Um, Oh...” she fumbles as Holtz places Erin’s hand underneath the fabric of her shirt.

 

“Wha, hu, easy there t-tiger,” the physicist stammers, turning an even brighter shade of red.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be,” Erin whispers, relaxing, and rubbing her thumb across the smooth softness of Holtz’s bare belly.

 

“Made you breakfast,” Erin swallows.

 

“I think I’d like to eat you for breakfast,” Holtz replies, her voice a register lower than usual.

 

_What has gotten into her…_

 

Erin’s heartrate quickens.

 

_Be cool, be cool, say something cool –_

 

“I want to have – the – have you to eat, me – too…”

 

_Goddammit._

 

Jill kisses Erin, and Erin slides her hand up underneath the blonde’s shirt, underneath her breast. She feels the round shape of it… _God_ all she wants to do is move her hand up and feel her, all of her, but should she? Is “eat me for breakfast” just a metaphor like, “I could eat you up,” that you say to a cute kitten?

 

“Mmm,” Holtz moans when Erin’s hand travels around to her bare back, pulling her chest to chest with the taller woman.

 

Holtz pulls back gasping for her breath, wrapping her arms tight around Erin’s neck.

 

For the first time since Erin’s kissed Jillian, she feels an undeniable deeper burning for more.

 

Kissing her, alone, has taken her to places she’s never experienced and made her feel feelings she didn’t know she was capable of.

 

And if that’s all they ever did for the rest of their lives Erin would be content, but she knows there’s more... And she wants to give her everything.

 

“P-pancakes,” is all Erin can manage to get out.

 

Oh no…she doesn’t want Jill to think she’s rejecting her… She’s not. She’s just –

 

“They smell delicious, Buttercup,” Jill replies, kissing her nose and tucking a stray hair behind her ear.

 

Erin sighs in relief.

 

 

 

 

After breakfast, Holtz remembers what day it is.

 

“Chore Day,” she grins. A dab of maple syrup still stuck to her top lip.

 

“Oh…we can skip all that today if you’d rather rest.”

 

“No way! Chore Day is your favorite, EG.”

 

Erin crinkles her nose in agreement, “Yeah, I do kinda like this day,” she admits.

 

Erin designates one day a week to getting everything really clean and reset:

 

Laundry (she’s got a head-start on this)

Vacuuming

Mopping

Mowing the lawn (Holtz loves this task)

Changing all the sheets (conveniently that is already done!)

Fluffing the cushions and pillows (Another task Holtz enjoys)

Errands – mostly food shopping

Miscellaneous (usually involves straightening Holtz’s porch area)

 

“Are you sure, baby?” Erin asks, smiling.

 

Now Jillian blushes, “Indeed, quite sure,” she says nodding dramatically, “the ibuprofen has kicked in and I feel much better thanks to you,” she says winking at Erin.

 

At this rate, the two women will spend the rest of the day having a blush-off.

 

 

 

It’s around 12:30pm when Erin can cross two chores off her list: mopping, using her precise ratios of white vinegar and baking soda, and now vacuuming as she nods satisfactorily at the smooth lines in the carpet.

 

She steals a peek out the window as Holtz pauses with the push-mower to wipe her forehead with the back of her hand. The white-ribbed tank top she’s wearing paired with a pair of old, faded denim shorts makes Erin’s heart flutter. Her hair is tied up with a blue handkerchief, which reminds Erin to go change over the laundry.

 

The load in the dryer is Holtz’s clothes. As Erin takes them out to fold and iron she notices how much more attentive she is with Jillian’s clothing than her own. Her own clothes are just fabrics she sees every day, nothing special. Jillian’s clothes are a part of her and now, they’re apart of Erin too. She brings a faded purple striped t-shirt to her nose and inhales. Even with the freshly clean detergent, she can still smell her.

 

After putting the last load in the dryer, she heads to make a picnic lunch and bring Jillian a tall glass of lemonade.

 

The sweaty engineer lights up when she sees Erin, making the last round with the lawn mower to complete the job before cutting off the engine.

 

“Here Sunshine,” Erin smiles, handing Jill the floral patterned glass, with clinking ice cubes.

 

The younger woman closes her eyes as she gulps down the sweet, ice-cold lemonade.

 

“Ahhhhhh,” she exclaims, “thank you, Buttercup.”

 

Erin remembers always thinking Phil was very gross when he would get all sweaty, and he smelled horrible. Anytime he’d try to touch her or get near her after exercising she’d find an excuse, like her anxiety or OCD to justify not wanting to be touched by his sweat. She even started to believe that the problem lay within her.

 

But now, looking at Jillian’s strong arms, soft breasts with beads of sweat, her forehead soaked, the curls around her face sticking to her, her blue eyes and pink lips, and sun-kissed cheeks, she felt entirely different. _Her_ sweat was sexy, and inviting, and she smelled like the fresh dirt, and salt, and it was intoxicating to Erin.

 

Holtz must have noticed her staring, because she cocks her head to the side.

 

“Whacha thinkin’ about, EG?” she asks coyly.

 

“Mm…just you…”

 

“Oh yeah?” the engineer asks, moving closer to close the gap between them.

 

“Yea–” Erin replies, getting cut off by Jillian’s lips pressed into hers.

 

Erin wraps her hands around Jill’s waist and before she can stop herself, moves it even further down until she has a handful of the blonde’s ass in those denim shorts.

 

Jill pulls back with  a gasp.

 

“Sorry!” Erin squeaks.

 

“No – that, that was, fine. More – than, it – I'm just so new to - I'm just wasn't sure that you wanted, me that way – yet or…”

 

“I do. All of these feelings are coming so fast, and I want it to be perfect, Jill and I don’t have…. I haven’t really..”

 

“It’s okay, Erin. Neither have I.”

 

Erin lifts Jillian’s chin to look into her eyes, prompting her to continue.

 

“I really meant it when I said I’d never had a friend until Abby…I’ve never had...anyone. I think I just sort of de-sexualized myself to – ”

 

Erin tries to suppress a giggle.

 

“What’s so funny, Erin Gilbert?”

 

“Your de-sexualization has proven to be non-effective, on me, and I’m sure countless other women, Jillian Holtzmann.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah really, Holtz. From the moment I met you. You’re like a human peacock – flirtatious and confident and wildly sexy.”

 

Holtz’s cheeks blush a deep red as she stares at the ground.

 

“My desperation has been that obvious, EG?”

 

“What desperation, sweetheart?” Erin asks with concern in her voice, caressing the engineer’s cheek.

 

“To connect,” the blonde replies, still staring at the ground.

 

“Well…” Erin tries to choose her words carefully, “I never saw it as desperation…” she pauses, remembering the way Holtz would, in a sense, chase after her, stare at her, dance for her, give her gifts.

The way she always reached for Patty’s hand, or needed to call Abby when she felt lost, or show off when she completed an invention.

Maybe Erin really had picked up on the desperation….maybe it had been obvious, maybe it was even obvious to other people. God, how she _ached_ and how she was desperate, herself, to find the right words in this moment.

 

“Jillian…I love you. I’m so glad you’re exactly as you are and how you are and that your attempts to de-anything yourself hadn’t worked, and in fact, backfired. Because you’re the most magnificent, beautiful person that’s ever lived.”

 

Those must have been the right words because Holtz pulls herself against Erin, nuzzling her face under Erin’s chin and taking her hand in an almost slow dance hold.

 

“I love you too.”

 

_God, she smells so good…_

 

 

 


	21. Change

After lunch, Holtz and Erin finish up the chores and go run their errands. After the last of the groceries are put away, it’s nearly 5:00pm and Erin gets started on dinner.

 

Holtz’s phone lights up with a text:

 

Holtzmann? :-)

 

_Abs! :D_

 

Miss you

 

_I miss you too._

_I have to tell you something_

 

Everything ok?

 

_Yes!_

 

Holtzmann dials Abby's number excitedly from the landline where she'll have better reception.

 

"Why, hello there, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?" Abby asks.

 

"It's me, Jillian."

 

"Ah, yes, I believe we were lab partners once upon a time?"

 

Holtz pouts, "Abby..."

 

"It's good to hear your voice, Jill."

 

Holtz smiles.

 

"So, what did you have to tell me?"

 

Abby can hear the excitement building in the engineer's voice, "Okay, soooo....Erin? and I? are...dating." 

 

Abby pauses before she answers. _Would Erin lead Holtz to assume they’re dating…?_   she wonders. She’d accidentally done it before.

 

"Really?"

 

"You don't believe me..."

 

"No. I do! I do, Holtz. I just don’t want you to get hurt..."

 

Holtz holds her breath, trying to keep the hurt out of her voice.

 

"She takes care of me...” she finally responds.

 

"Shit..." Abby sighs, "Jill…I love you. You’re my best friend....all I want is to see you happy. I am happy for you. And for Erin.

It’s just change. Change is hard."

 

"But I'm still the same, Abs. You're still my best friend. And whenever you find someone worthy of your grandeur, we can all build a tree-house and sleep side by side in a nest like birds."

 

 

"That's...oddly appealing, Holtzy. Well. Speaking of that…"

 

Jill gulps, "of what? bird nests?" she asks hopeful.

 

"No goose, of finding someone worthy of my grandeur."

 

"Whaaat?" Holtz gulps.

 

"I think I may have found someone that fits the bill."

 

Holtzmann's hearing becomes fuzzy. So this is the feeling Abby had. The feeling that you’re losing your best friend to a possible lover. Her head spins a bit with fear and dizziness.

  

"Jill?

Holtzmann?

Hello??"

 

Holtz drops the phone in dismay. 

 

Erin spins along to the song on the radio when she sees Holtz’s face.

 

“Jillian? What is it, sweetheart?” she asks, making her way over to the sofa.

 

Jill’s pout really might do her in this time.

 

“Oh honey, what is it? You look…lost…” she says peering into Jill’s baby blue eyes.

 

“I think Abby's seeing someone,” Holtz answers, fighting back tears, "in a romantic way..."

 

Erin’s eyes go wide in surprise as she smiles, taking Jillian in her arms.

 

“Oh, Jill, it’s okay…You’re seeing someone, in a romantic way, too,” she says gently, kissing her tears away.

 

Holtz leans into Erin’s chest, wrapping herself tight around Erin.

 

“Maybe I’m biased, but you chose pretty well, and I bet Abby has too.

I know this is hard for you…Abby is your family…

No one wants to lose their family…”

 

Jill doesn’t say anything for a little while, just allows herself to be held, and feels Erin’s soft kisses against her eyelashes and cheeks.

 

“Erin?”

 

“Yes, sweetheart?”

 

“I know you’re not a therapist. But you spent a lot of time with one as a kid – ”

 

“And as an adult,” Erin interjects, “I see a therapist pretty regularly actually. After punching that man for making fun of my being in therapy…I figured I might try to sort that out…in therapy…”

 

Holtz brings Erin’s hand up to her lips, kissing her palm.

 

“Well…I…I feel like…I feel like I’m losing my mother all over again, right now. All these emotions are bringing it back to me…that feeling…is that stupid?”

 

Erin audibly inhales at the weight of Holtz’s statement, but she tries to keep her own emotions intact. She hasn’t wanted to push Jillian to talk about her mom.

 

“It’s not stupid at all…It’s very normal for things in your present life to bring up moments you experienced as a child, especially moments of trauma. It makes perfect sense that the water…that this change between you and Abby…that all of this would bring back the pain of losing her…”

 

Jill snuggles closer into Erin’s body.

 

“I’m happy for Abby,” she says finally.

 

“Me too,” Erin answers, “Who is she seeing?”

 

“I don’t know…?” Jill answers inquisitively.

 

“Oh shoot…BC, hand me my phone.”

 

 

 


	22. Protector

Erin and Jillian finish up dinner, and Erin makes the younger woman a peach smoothie for dessert.

 

The two walk down to the dock hand-in-hand with a picnic blanket to watch the sunset.

 

“C’mere,” Erin says, kissing cold peach froth off the younger woman’s mouth, “Mmmm…you taste delicious…”

 

The engineer blushes, putting the straw back into her mouth. “E, what did I eat before you came along?”

 

“Potato chips, love. And frozen dinners. But no more. You’ll never know anything but fresh, homemade food from this trip forward. I’m going to spoil you for the rest of your life.”

 

Jillian’s eyes go soft, like she’s contemplating the weight of those last words – clinging to them.

 

“Um,” Erin starts, “I mean… that is… if you want me to – keep me around. You know, casually, wuh, whatever works for you…”

 

_Wow, super casual, Dr. Gilbert_

“I want to keep you around, Erin.”

 

“Good,” the physicist swallows, “Good, baby. I want to be around you...”

 

Holtz knocks into Erin’s side lightly with her hip.

 

“So…” Erin starts, “… _Jennifer Lynch_ …Did you ever see that coming?”

 

“A little bit, I did,” Holtz admits, chewing on her straw.

 

 _"Really?"_ Erin asks.

 

“I think Abby likes people in positions of authority,” Holtz grins smugly, “so she can challenge them.”

 

“I can see that,” Erin agrees, “We’ll have to keep our eye on Ms. Lynch’s shenanigans with the mayor. Although…I think Abby would put her in her place if she pulls anymore stunts.”

 

“That’s my Abby,” Holtz grins.

 

“Yeah…she’s a good one,” Erin agrees. “So…what did she say when you told her about us?”

 

“Um, she – she’s supportive,” Holtz answers.

 

“That’s not too convincing, Jill.”

 

“I’m sorry, Erin, I think Abby just worries…it’s kind of her M.O.”

 

“Yeah…she just seems to worry _for_ you and worry _about_ me.”

 

“I’m sorry, E.”

 

“No, no, Jill, don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault…and I don’t blame Abby. I never set out to hurt anyone. Her or you. It was always about my insecurities. I was selfish.”

 

Holtz threads her fingers through the lace in Erin’s tank-top.

 

“You’re not a selfish person, Erin Gilbert. Not any more than the rest of us. You were protecting yourself all that time, doing the best you could...”

 

Erin looks down, unconvinced.

 

“You dove into a portal to save Abby, my best friend, while I just stood there frozen in – in fear…Don’t - Don’t let a few common mistakes cover up who you are.”

 

Erin leans into the engineer’s touch…taking her arm and putting it around her shoulder.

 

Jill kisses her cheek continuing, “You don’t think Abby’s not selfish or insecure? Or that I haven’t blown up important documents and wrecked countless pieces of lab equipment that don’t even belong to me? – I’m plenty selfish.

All I’ve wanted since the first time I saw you fuming about that book in our lab was to have you all to myself.”

 

Erin feels her eyes well up, “Nuh-uh…” she barely whispers.

 

“Um, yes-huh,” Holtz counters.

 

Erin turns to bury her face into the crook of Jillian’s neck.

 

“I love your protective nature, Erin. That’s who you are…you’re a protector. You’re… _my_ protector.”

 

“Well…” Erin murmurs against Jillian’s cheek, “That’s because…” she pulls back, looking into Jillian’s pale blue eyes, “…that’s because you’re my girl.”

 

 

 


	23. First Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It makes me really happy to read comments. I’ll always reply:)) 
> 
> If you’re enjoying please lemme know. Thanks!! xo

The two settle down on the red and lavender quilt Erin spreads out, watching the sun begin to disappear behind the clouds.

 

Jillian wears a pair of faded denim shorts. “I love these, Jill…you have the best sense of style. I’ve never met another person who looks as good as you do in everything they wear.”

 

The younger woman blushes. “You could borrow them sometime, EG. I like your shorts too. They would be a bit small for me though – I have wide hips."

 

Before getting to know Holtzmann so intimately, this kind of comment would have been punctuated by a flirty wink and sashay from the inventor, but Jillian does neither, and Erin can't wrap her head around Jill being insecure about her body. How could she be?

 

"I like the width of your hips, Holtz. I mean I _really_ …really like them." The younger woman looks away, shyly.

 

“Seriously, Jill,” Erin implores. “Have you _seen_ your body?”

 

“I really dislike my hips…” Jillian looks down, her cheeks turning a deep shade of fuchsia, “…and my stomach…which looks even more like a blowfish because of my period, and my –”

 

“Jillian…those are my favorite parts of you…” the older woman says, scooting closer. “Along with every inch of you. Come here…” Erin instructs, pulling the younger woman's legs across her lap, rubbing circles on her back.

 

“You really don’t see it, do you?”

 

Jill shakes her head, resting her forehead against Erin’s cheek. “I…I guess my arms are strong, but - they’re manly…and my stomach is soft and…squishy… I forget to watch what I eat, but I should – My…my hips are too wide, and my butt is too flat, and my nose is too wide and pointed, and my hair is too tangled and my – ”

 

“Baby!” Erin exhales, startling Jill out of her litany of insecurities. The physicist is stunned that Jillian could believe this about herself.

 

“ _You_ are _perfect_. Absolutely, in every way, wholly and completely _perfect_...”

 

_How could she possibly not see it?_

“Your hair is _so_ pretty,” Erin promises softly, running her fingers through her blonde curls.

 

She fights the urge to just beg her to see her through her own eyes.

 

“And your nose is _adorable_ ,” she says placing a kiss to the tip of her nose, causing the blonde to flare her nostrils and blush sheepishly.

 

“And your hips, _god_ they make me…they’re –

they’re… _perfect_ , Jill…” she says as she pulls her tighter into her lap.

 

“Your arms _are_ strong, and I love them - they’re not “manly”, they’re Holtzmannly and they’re _fucking_ perfect,” she says running her fingers tenderly across her shoulder.

 

“And god, baby, your tummy is my favorite. It’s beautiful…and it _is_ soft…and sweet, and when you were my little spoon last night, I felt it against my hands as you breathed all night long, and it was the best feeling I’d ever felt...” she pauses, holding back tears,

 

“And you better keep eating all you want because it gives you energy and life, and sweetheart…You’re  **gorgeous** and I don’t know why in the world a million women haven’t told you that before, maybe they have…” Jillian casts her eyes down.

 

“…But somebody should have…you should never have had to feel insecure or sad about yourself or your body…”

 

The engineer lets the words fill in all the holes and cracks, like melted lava and warm, pink icing in between the layers of a birthday cake, holding her together…putting her back together…

 

“Baby…please believe me.”

 

Jill’s dimples appear in her signature smile. “I love you, Erin.”

 

“I love you too. Remember when you said I was brilliant?”

 

“Mmm Hmm,” Holtz nods, playing with a strand of Erin’s hair.

 

“Well…I decided to believe you. And would someone who is _brilliant_ be so off-track about something as basic as human anatomy?”

 

“Mmmaayyyybe not, No...” Holtz grins bashfully.

 

“Well, then, you are stunning, Jillian Holtzmann, and that’s definitive and final.

 

Holtz gives Erin butterfly kisses on her cheek, before placing a lingering kiss with her lips, and snuggling deeper into her arms.

 

 

“I think we should go for a night swim,” Holtz suggests as the sky fades from a light violet to a deeper purple.

 

“Is that so?”

 

“If you want to,” Jill replies in a low voice, leaning in toward Erin for a kiss. As their lips meet, the younger woman rolls over, sliding her leg in between Erin’s as she lowers them onto the blanket.

 

“I – I should go get my suit,” Erin stutters.

 

Jill slides her hands down Erin’s rib-cage, over the fabric of her tank-top.

 

“What if…” Jillian suggests – her breathing ragged, “What if we…didn’t wear our suits?…”

 

“Um, Oh… _Oh?…_ Ok…you mean like skinny dipping?” Erin asks, feeling a thickness in the air that wasn’t there moments before.

 

Jill just raises her eyebrows sheepishly, with that glorious twinkle in her eyes.

 

Erin watches in slow motion as the blonde kneels above her and pulls her shirt over her head, wearing only her sea-green bra and denim shorts.

 

“Your turn, E,” Holtz says, while Erin can’t seem to take her eyes away from the swell of the blonde’s breasts in that pretty bra, “I mean if it’s okay?…” Holtz asks.

 

_It’s more than okay._

“And if you want to…”

_I do want to…_

 

Erin responds by pulling her own tank-top off; she’s not wearing a bra underneath.

 

She watches curiously as the younger woman takes in the sight of her with a catch in her breath.

 

“Um, Er…Erin…” Jill stutters, swallowing. The moment is so still, Erin can hear every sound Jillian’s lips make as they try to form words. “You are…”

 

Erin leans in, swallowing the rest of her words with a kiss.

 

Desperate to feel more of her skin against her own, she pulls Jillian up with her until they’re both standing.

 

The younger woman’s knees go weak, and Erin steadies her, wrapping her arms around her pliable body.

 

“I _love_ kissing you…” she whispers against Jillian’s lips.

 

Erin moves her hand down Jill’s body, feeling the soft cotton fabric of her bra-strap, and the dimples at the base of her spine, until she’s cupping her ass.

 

This time, Holtz doesn’t jolt or pull away, but sinks deeper into her touch. Erin squeezes and Jill moans.

 

“God I’ve been _aching_ to do that for at least a hundred years…” Erin pants. She feels like her hands can’t get enough, like she’s insatiable.

 

“You are…” Jillian tries again.

 

Erin waits for her to form the words. Jill’s mind is racing, she clings to Erin.

 

“I am what, sweetheart?”

 

“You are…mine…”

 

Erin nearly cries at her girlfriend’s earnestness. She never knew how good it would feel to hear those words…She can’t even say she ever imagined them.

 

Erin never imagined she would ever be loved…like this. It’s all new and intoxicating and somehow painful, realizing that she now has this sweet, beautiful girl she could never bare to lose; and she feels like she’s finally becoming herself.

 

She bends her head, placing little kisses to Jillian’s cheeks and neck, sliding down her body until she’s on her knees.

 

She kisses the soft skin of her bare stomach, tracing the light baby-fine hair from her belly-button to the waist of her shorts. Jill shivers as Erin places her cheek to her warm, smooth skin, feeling her expand with the air in her lungs, rising and falling.

 

Jill looks down with a flushed complexion, and tiny beads of sweat making her hair curl even more.

 

She cups Erin’s cheek, smoothing back her bangs. “Come here,” she says, as she pulls Erin to her feet.

 

Erin captures her in a fervent kiss, running her tongue over Jillian’s perfect, soft lips, aching for her to part them.

 

Their tongues meet, and Erin’s hand finds the weight of Jill’s breast…her fingers tease beneath the top of her bra, while her bottom lip is caught between Jillian’s, and every swallow brings Jill’s taste further into her mouth.

 

Erin’s arousal hits her like lightning. “Oooh, God, Jill…”

 

“It’s okay,” Jill whispers against her mouth. “You can touch me there.”

 

Erin slips her hand all the way in, pulling down her bra cup, exposing her breast. She runs her fingers lightly over her nipple. “Mmmm…” Jill moans, feeling dizzy.

 

“I’ve got you,” Erin assures her, keeping her steady with her other hand on her back.

 

“You feel good Jillian…”

 

“I do?”

 

“Yeah, baby, so damn good…”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy December! I cannot believe 2017 is almost over...  
> I’m glad to be writing again. As you can tell w two updates back to back lol. Thank you for reading :,) ily all.
> 
>  
> 
> Also please lemme know if you liked this chapter? x


	24. Moonlight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ch. is short but I really wanted to post tonight -  
> please leave a comment if you're still intrigued, it makes me so happy. okay, enjoy this little 'to be continued' phase of the story <3

Jillian stands before her now, completely topless…

Bare.

Erin’s eyes flutter trying to focus. She pulls her body back until her deep, navy-blue eyes roam the expanse of the woman in front of her.

 

“Holy fuck.”

 

She surprises herself and the blonde.

She hardly ever uses that word unless…well…the moment _really_ calls for it.

Jillian licks her lips. Her bright eyes sparkle. They look almost silver in the pale moonlight.

 

“Oh my God, you’re beautiful,” Erin continues, taking in the sight of Jill’s soft, supple body.

 

“Am I?” the younger woman wonders, stepping closer, pressing her chest into Erin’s as she winds her fingers through the older woman’s auburn hair…her full lips open against Erin’s…their kiss becoming more intense than it’s ever been…

 

Jillian tastes like that peach smoothie – tangy, sweet, and _good…_

 

“ _Mmmm…_ ” Erin moans.

 

“Need,” Jill stutters between breaths, grasping at Erin’s body like a cat desperate for affection, “Need you…” she confesses.

 

“I’m here, baby-doll.”

 

Jillian bites her lip, sheepishly, in response, and Erin becomes totally disarmed. If Jill wasn’t a brilliant, capable woman in her own right, Erin knows she would easily become one of those sugar-daddies who never denies their woman a damn thing. How could she? Erin could never resist her.

 

“Come here…” the red-head instructs, leading her lover to the water’s edge.

 

She moves behind the blonde, running her fingers down her spine, causing the petite woman to shiver, before slipping her hand into the backside of her shorts, feeling her smooth skin. She presses a kiss to her shoulder blade, bringing her hands around Jillian’s waist to the button of her shorts.

 

“Can we take these off, baby?”

 

Jill nods back against her.

 

The physicist undoes the button, pulling the zipper down slowly, as Holtz shimmies out of the faded Levi’s.

Turning in Erin’s arms, she rests her head on the taller woman’s shoulder in only her soft striped panties.

Erin breathes in the scent of her tousled hair, enjoying the sensation of their skin to skin too much to pull away and finish disrobing herself.

 

“You are the best thing…” Erin murmurs, kissing her forehead.

 

 

 


	25. I Know (And I Don't Care)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi :) anyone who reads+enjoys please leave a comment! thank you to the two of you who faithfully let me know you're still here - ily xx

Jillian sighs against Erin’s chest. She hasn’t felt this safe and free in ages.

 

Safe and free.

Those words seem like concepts she never thought could be possible for her, at least not simultaneously.

 

If she could just stay this way forever, in Erin’s arms… both safe and free.

 

“Mmm, my love…” Erin murmurs, caressing her lower back, her other palm pressed between her girlfriend’s shoulder blades.

 

Jillian submits herself closer into Erin’s embrace.

 

“Ready to swim?”

 

Jillian nods, reluctant to move from Erin’s arms, but excited to experience the water at night.

 

The older of the two is still getting used to her newfound boldness, as she strips out of her shorts and cheeky red underwear, tossing them beside the tree and pink fire-tails.

 

Jill bites her lip, stifling the need in her body. The freckles on Erin’s skin beg to be touched.

She peers down to the “v” shape between Erin’s legs, now left uncovered.

 

She remembers longing to touch Erin there when she held her in the water and now…the desire seems to triple…

As confident as she is in everything involving her work, and her naturally vivacious personality, she is so unsure when it comes to Erin and these new intense feelings she has.

 

“Erin…”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Erin…..”

 

“Yes, baby?”

 

“I – I just like your name in my mouth…”

 

 

Erin blushes hard. Her heartbeat feels like a steady, pounding drum.

 

“Should I keep these on…for now?” Jillian asks, gesturing to her own underwear.

 

“Um, oh. If you want – Of course, sweetheart. And I can put mine back on if it makes you more comfortable. I guess I thought skinny-dipping – I just thought – I wasn’t sure. I don’t want to rush any – this doesn’t mean we have to – ” Erin rambles, eyes darting slightly frantic.

 

“No – I…you’re… _perfect_ , Erin,” Jillian says, her breath catching. “I just – I’m stalling I guess. I’m, um, nervous…” she says, turning red, scrunching her nose.

 

Erin sighs, relieved.

 

“It’s okay. God – it’s totally okay, Holtz. I can’t even believe I just stripped down like that,” Erin blushes, looking at the ground, playing with her fingers.

 

“I – I’m very okay that you did, EG,” Holtz replies, taking Erin’s hand and running her fingers from her palm up her forearm. The motion instantly calms the older woman.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah…” Holtz smirks, “I’d love to see the view from the back,” she smiles, raising her eyebrows.

 

“Holtz!” Erin squeaks, slightly surprised by the return of the engineer’s spunkiness.

 

“You really keep a girl on her toes, you know that?” Erin teases.

 

“Sorry, E. You – give me – butterflies.”

 

Erin’s eyes go soft.

“I have them too…”

 

“Where?” the younger woman asks, “Right here?...” her voice becoming a register lower, placing her hand on Erin’s abdomen.

Erin feels them a million times over now, like she’s come alive for the first time.

 

“Yeah. There,” she murmurs, pulling Jillian in for another sweet kiss.

Their lips fit perfectly together now. Jillian’s are full and soft against Erin’s, and the younger woman loves the way she can feel Erin breathe into her mouth, almost as much as Erin loves the feel of Jill’s tongue as it slides against her own, the way she tastes good to her no matter what she’s eaten that day.

That she’s naked, and pressed against the blonde is not lost on Erin.

 

“Jill,” she says breathless, “You don’t have to touch me tonight. That’s not why I took my clothes off. I thought we were – ”

 

“I _really_ want to, though.”

 

“Okay. Good,” Erin sighs, “Good…because…” she trails off, lost in the way Jillian smiles up at her with those adoring blue eyes. “I want you to…But, nothing that you’re uncomfortable with.”

 

The younger woman swallows. “It’s all new to me,” she confesses, “I just want to feel you…and make you feel good – like…you make me – feel.”

 

“You already make me feel like the luckiest woman alive, Jillian. I love you.”

 

“Hmm…” Jill coos. She melts like a birthday candle under all of Erin’s affection.

 

Erin tucks a strand of hair behind the younger woman’s ear.

 

“So - Should we swim first?” The physicist asks, “Do you still want to?”

 

“Yes. I do. Will you...Will…you – take mine off?” she asks, flicking her eyes down.

 

_God I love her_ …Erin thinks.

 

Every little intricate detail and inner space of her mind has become precious to Erin.

 

_Maybe she wanted me to take them off the whole time..._  Erin wonders.

 

Maybe that’s why she was nervous, and she was just waiting.

Maybe she’s been waiting for Erin to catch up with her since they first met. Maybe she’s been waiting for Erin her whole life.

The older woman's entire being aches.

 

“Of course. Come here. I would do anything for you...”

 

The way Holtz trusts her settles Erin.

She steps into the space between them, slipping her fingers into the soft cotton fabric, sliding them down the blonde’s legs. Her fingers slip over soft curls.

“Hhhh…” the older woman shudders.

 

Jillian steps out of the striped fabric and Erin resists the intense urge to hold onto them forever – instead tossing them beside her own.

 

She steps back just enough to drink in the sight of Jillian’s naked body…

She notices the way her thighs touch, and the width of her hips…how her feet turn slightly out, how adorable her feet are…how perfect her knees are, her elbows, and strong arms…

The swell of her breasts that once filled every inch of that medium swimsuit top, now left uncovered, revealing soft pink nipples…her neck, and jawline, the curve of her ears, the slope of her nose, and that mouth…her dimples…

She notices how smooth and soft her complexion is…

 

“Come on, darling,” The red-head says, taking Jill’s hand and walking into the water.

 

“Will the sharks get us at night?” the engineer asks.

 

“Jill…there aren’t any sharks in here – we’re in a fresh-water lake…in New York,” Erin giggles, kissing her ear.

 

“Can’t they smell blood?” Holtz asks with one eye-brow cocked.

 

“They…can…but you have your diva cup in, and – oh wait, that’s right – sharks don’t live in backyard ponds,” she teases.

 

“But…” the blonde’s pouting bottom lip makes Erin cave.

 

“I won’t let them get you, baby. How’s that?”

 

“Good…” Jill smiles, pulling Erin out into the water with her.

 

They swim and splash like adolescent girls becoming mermaids under the spell of the moon.

 

Laughing, Erin surfaces, swimming them both out a little further, chest to chest.

Her thigh brushes between Jillian’s legs as the younger woman has now mastered the breaststroke kick – legs coming up, opening out, and back together.

 

Erin moans slightly at the contact, swallowing her breath as she treads with the blonde in her arms. “Mm’sorry…”

 

“It’s okay…” Jill kisses her lips, “I like being out here with you, E. I trust you.”

 

Erin unconsciously tightens her grip on Jillian.

 

_If anything ever happened to her…if I **let** anything ever happen to her…._

 

Erin lays back, her kick stronger, keeping her eyes on Jill, while making her way back over to the banks. Jillian rests atop, and closes her eyes, letting the stars shine down on her bare skin, her bum peeking out of the water…Erin’s never seen anything more adorable and lovely in all her life…

 

They fall in a heap onto the bank, bodies still half in the water, a blanket of grass and cattails underneath them, as Jill crawls further ahead of Erin, her smooth, strong back is a beautiful sight.

 

Erin reaches out to caress her there, when the blonde flips onto her back, pulling Erin on top, leaving the older woman’s hands trapped behind her, holding her…

 

Jillian’s wildness comes out in sparks…hidden, sometimes, beneath her innocent and introverted nature…Erin loves every variation of her, and right now, this wild haired, wild-eyed beauty is everything she’s ever wanted and never understood until this moment…

 

 

“The sharks, Erin.”

 

“Jillian, darling, there are _no_ sharks,” she stammers in between breaths, “We’re not even in the water,” she laughs.

 

“Then who’s biting my neck?”

 

Erin blushes sheepishly, biting her own lip.

 

“It feels so good, E,” Jillian whispers low, laying her head back exposing more of her skin to Erin.

 

Erin feels a deep flutter low in her stomach. She’s never had someone trust her like this. She’s never wanted someone so much. She fears she might pass out. The ache in her chest is overwhelming…

Jillian’s body is breath-taking, strong, soft…open…

 

Erin moves down between her thighs.

 

“Erin…wait!” Jillian remembers, eyes coming back into some resemblance of focus, “I’m on my – ”

 

“I know. I know, baby doll. And I don’t care.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i know *period sex* sue me; unless holtz had a half-day period, the way the story was going, it naturally progressed like this, and i'm really not mad about it
> 
> also happy late birthday to the greatest woman alive who inspired+portrayed the greatest character of all time
> 
> also feel super blessed by that secret santa thing because more fics were written, but sadly felt left out, my fault for being a hermit though x


	26. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii...Happy February. This chapter makes me feel vulnerable...Even though writing in general and especially this fic feels super exposing. But i still really love/appreciate your comments. Please just be kind/respectful. This can be an early Valentine's day gift if i don't post again before then.

It might have been awkward.

Erin couldn’t really remember.

She only remembered what it felt like between Jillian’s thighs.

The way the blonde pressed all five of her toes into the arch of Erin’s back as she got closer and closer...

She might have felt insecure if the younger woman’s moans weren’t there to drown out every bad, belittled, anxious thought she‘d ever had…

Maybe, in some other universe, it could have been a _little_ awkward…as Jillian reached inside herself, breathlessly.

“Sorry, E,” she’d murmured…

Erin wasn’t sorry.

Jill retrieved the silicone cup, tossing it somewhere in the grass – they'd worry about that later – and made an attempt to wipe her fingers free from the diluted red substance mixed with water and her…

…But Erin was crawled back up her body, opening her mouth for a kiss, before Jill had time to find the towel and instead found her fingers tangled in Erin’s hair…good thing it was red.

Jillian’s full, soft lips, mouth open, head back, fluttering bright blue eyes, and heaving chest eclipsed any reservations or insecurities Erin had.

Her desire was too strong and Jillian clung to her desperately and fully and it drove Erin on and on and on…

 

“Come for me…”

 

Erin’s mouth fell in love with Jill’s breast, her eyes – cast upward – never left the blonde’s flushed face, her fingers pushed inside…gentle, so gentle…Nothing had ever felt this soft...

Jill admittedly never had another woman’s fingers inside of her, though she'd mastered the art of self-care.

Dr. Holtzmann is nothing if not skilled with her hands, and in-tune with her needs…

But Erin knows she’s her first, and that thought _does_ something to her…

She pulls out just enough to elicit a whimper and presses her fingers to Jill’s clit, before entering her deeper, feeling her smooth cervix, wondering if she’s pushed too far, when…

 

“Er – in…”

 

“Did I hurt you?”

 

“Mmm mmm,” Holtz shakes her head deliriously, reaching down between her thighs grasping Erin’s wrist, pulling her fingers deeper inside herself.

 

“Oh my god, baby…”

 

“Erin, I, I’mm….”

 

This is it – and it’s better than any sweat-drenched dream Erin’s ever had about the engineer.

 

Her head’s thrown back, her collar-bone exposed, her hands grasp the grass behind her wild hair…and Erin watches as her face contorts into the most pleasurable sight she's ever seen. Her eyes squeezed tight in ecstasy – a whimper, then a cry, and Erin’s name in the back of her throat…

 

“I’ve got you…”

 

“Erin, Er - in…..”

 

Breathless, shaking, open.

 

“I’m….”

 

_Oh my god..._

 

 

 

“I’m right here.”

 

Erin smooths Jillian’s hair from her face, her fingertips trace along the edge of her forehead, looking into her elated, adoring eyes.

  
“I love you so much, Holtz...”

 

The engineer nuzzles her head under Erin’s chin, wrapping her arms securely around her neck.

 

“Mmmm...” she murmurs, shaking slightly.

 

Erin presses a tender kiss to her forehead.

 

“…that felt so good, E...”

 

The physicist rubs her back, and moves her hands down her body, squeezing her thighs, still wrapped around her waist.

 

“You made…” Jillian trails off, pressing her mouth into the crook of Erin’s neck.

 

“What sweetheart?”

 

Holtz looks up sheepishly, pressing her nose into Erin’s cheek.

 

“Ohh…now you’re bashful, huh?” The older woman teases.

 

Holtz nods her head, running her hand down Erin’s arm.

 

“Tell me,” Erin whispers. “I’ll keep your secrets.”

 

Jillian smiles against her cheek and Erin rolls over to see her adorable dimples and tear-stained cheeks.

 

 _Please…_ Erin silently begs, never wanting to leave this moment.

 

“You made – love to me.”

 

A puddle. That’s what Erin’s become. That’s what this perfect beauty is doing to her. The protective armor and stoic persona Dr. Gilbert’s put on for so long is beginning to fall away.

 

She tries to think of something worthy to say.

 

“I hope it was enough.”

 

She winces, silently admonishing her choice of words, when Jill cradles her face, kissing her deeply.

 

“I’ll never forget it, Erin…this night – what you gave me…Thank you…”

  
The physicist is not sure her heart can take anymore, when the thick night air gives way to a chill and she feels goosebumps on Jillian’s smooth skin.  
  
  
“Come here,” she says, propping herself onto her elbows, “Let me get you warm.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one day, there will be more plot, and this story will come to an end. that day may be in the year 2070 at the rate i'm writing.


	27. Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii I hope you all are still out there to read this little story of mineee. It’s still winding along. Hope you like this chapter. Still love hearing from you. xx

After taking a long hot shower, Erin slips on her robe in the bedroom and dries her hair with a clean, over-sized towel, while Jillian finishes up in the bathroom.

 

“Eriiiinnnn…”

 

“Yeees?”

 

“Uhhmmm…where is myyyy…?” the blonde falters.

 

“We’ll order you a new one, how’s that?” Erin assures her.

 

“Okaaaay. But what about for noowww?...” Jillian asks, her voice slightly panicky as she pushes the bathroom door open with her foot.

 

“I have plenty of tampons. Will that be okay? I came thoroughly prepared in that area,” Erin laughs to herself. She’s thoroughly prepared for everything – always.

 

“But those have chemicals in them, E.”

 

“Holtz – you play with chemicals all day long,” Erin answers, going to her toiletry bag she slid in one of the armoire drawers when they arrived.

 

“Yes, but I don’t put the chemicals _inside_ me,” Holtz retorts.

 

“These are all natural, I promise, love. I get a subscription each month. 100% cotton. Chlorine-free,” she says, reading from the box she’s found.

 

“Hmm…okay then,” Holtz smiles relieved, “because I don’t want you putting anything bad for you inside of you either,” the engineer says sincerely.

 

Erin walks up to the crack in the door, handing Jillian the box.

 

“I can think of a 100% natural thing that might be really nice to have inside of me,” Erin winks as Holtz’s eyes light up.

 

“But right now, you’re all clean, and I just want to hold you…so finish up and come to bed.”

 

 

Jillian lays on Erin’s chest, while Erin combs through her damp curls with her fingers.

 

Erin brewed them some decaf coffee that sits half-empty on the nightstands.

 

“...What did she sound like?” the older woman wonders absentmindedly.

 

“Who?” Jillian asks.

 

“Your mother…”

 

“...Like rain,” Jillian answers after a moment.

“Steady. Light. Strong. Both, all at once… She covered me.”

 

Erin’s hand pauses in Jillian’s hair as she takes in her answer.

 

“Do you look like her?”

 

“Mmm...She was small like me.”

 

Erin smiles.

 

“What’s your middle name, E?”

 

“It’s…dorky. It’s a combination of my maternal and paternal grandmothers’ names.

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“Annnd their names were?”

 

“Leigh and Ema.”

 

“Sooo….

...Is it...Llama?”

 

“Emaleigh” Erin laughs, poking Holtz in the ribs.

 

“Erin Emaleigh Gilbert.”

 

“That...’s mmm-my name, don’t wear it out,” Erin answers awkwardly, blushing. It sounds pretty when Holtz says it. She hasn’t heard her full name like that since her mother used to scold her.

 

“E.E.G.”

 

“Yes,” Erin smiles. She’s very fond of this part of Holtz. The part of her that breaks down names into their simplest form.

 

“Em ah lee,” Holtz repeats, “M L E,” she murmurs, turning the letters around in her brain and softly repeating them over and over.

 

“So pretty, EG,” she says.

 

Erin runs her fingers along Jill’s shoulder.

 

 _Is it possible to bottle up someone’s preciousness and hold onto it forever?_ Erin wonders.

 

What was her name, Holtz, your mother?

 

“January,” Holtz answers softly.

 

Erin bites her lip to keep from squeaking.

 

“Sweetheart…” Erin whispers, “January and Jillian…those are the prettiest names I’ve ever heard.”

 

“All her friends called her Jan – and I was Jillie Bee.”

 

Erin laughs endearingly, “Why the B?”

 

“She used to always call me ‘Bumble Bee’. Said I was cute and curious and made everything sweeter, but could pack a mean sting if I wanted.”

 

“I would agree with Mama Jan,” Erin smiles.

 

“I’m also highly attracted to beautiful flowers,” Holtz says, winking and giving Erin a soft kiss on her cheek.

 

“That’s precious, Jill. And what’s your middle name?”

 

“Maine”

 

“Like the place?”

 

“Like the place.”

 

Erin assumes there’s a story, and let’s Holtz take her time deciding if she wants to tell it – holding her close and breathing in the scent of her clean skin.

 

“Mama ran the ladies’ clothing department store in Gimbels on 32nd street until the store was sold in the late eighties, after I was born…so we always lived in New York. But, she – before that, when she decided she wanted to have a baby – me...”

 

Holtz blushes, reaching for Erin’s hand, “she spent a lot of time in Rockport – at the fertility clinic. It was the only clinic of its kind run by a female doctor – pun intended.” Erin laughs as Holtz continues,

“The doctor was head of the clinic, research and all that, pretty ground-breaking stuff for the time – the place had a separate midwifery part – all that _funnn_ stuff.

So – every Friday evening, she hopped an hour and a half flight to Rockport and spent time picking out a donor, going through the whole process.

Once she found out she was pregnant, she kept all her appointments there.

I was conceived and born in Maine so…I think it was a special place for her – for us.

 

“Jillian Maine…”

 

Jill smiles…

 

“What was the woman’s name? The doctor?”

 

 

“Rebecca.”

 

 

 

 

 


	28. Wish

_October 1988_

_Port Washington, New York_

 

“Jan?

Yoo-hoo?”

 

Rebecca lets herself into January’s Victorian-style cottage with a bouquet of fresh flowers.

 

“Dr. Becca!”

 

“Heeeyyyy there, pretty Tiger Cub, this one’s for you,” the red-head says, handing Jillian a single, bright daisy.

 

“Mmm!” the tiny girl exclaims, pressing her nose into the flower.

 

“Smells pretty,” she whispers, her big blue eyes peering up at their guest, sheepishly.

 

“Becca?...Oh my goodness, are these for me??” January marvels, making her way into the kitchen.

 

“I hope you like them.”

 

“Pink and blue roses? Of course I do…thank you, Bec,” January smiles, giving Rebecca a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Look, Mama,” the young girl shares, holding up her daisy.

 

“Oh Jillian, how darling, what do you say?”

 

“Awh, she already thanked me in her way, Jan. Sweet little bird,” Rebecca replies, tousling the tiny blonde’s hair.

 

Jill bats her eyelashes in response, wrapping her arms around Rebecca’s leg.

 

“Are you staying for sup,” Jillian stutters, “ – for supper?”

 

“Is that okay with you?”

 

“Mmmhmmm,” Jillian answers, pulling at Rebecca’s pants leg, motioning for her to bend down.

 

“Mama said I can eat my pizza in front of the TV while you have grown up time in here,” she winks coyly.

 

“Oh, did she, dear? You’re just as precocious as your mother, huh?”

 

Jillian scrunches her nose, trying to suppress a laugh.

 

“What’s that, Bumble Bee? Are you sharing all of our secrets?” January asks from the stove.

 

Jillian smiles, shaking her head no, walking over and leaning up for a kiss from January.

 

“Good girl. Here, take your pizza to the tray on the sofa. I’ll bring your lemonade to you. Do you want a pink or yellow straw?”

 

Jillian thinks for a moment – _How to choose between her two favorite colors?_

 

“Lellow,” she decides.

 

It’s one of the last few words Jan doesn’t have the heart to tell her she’s saying wrong.

 

“I’ll take a lellow straw too, Jan,” Rebecca giggles.

 

“Hush you,” Jan responds playfully, smacking Rebecca on the bum with a cloth napkin on the way out to the living room.

 

“It’s her favorite color right now,” Jan continues, making her way back into the kitchen, “I should probably teach her the right way to say it – ”

 

“Oh, Jan, no. I’m sorry for teasing you.”

 

January’s famous worry lines show up in the bridge of her nose and forehead.

 

“Hey, you’re doing a great job with her. You’re a wonderful mother, honey.”

 

“I’m too sensitive,” Jan responds, retreating into herself a bit.

 

“No…you’re not. I’m too brash. I forget how hard it must be raising a little girl. You’re so good at it.”

 

“Well,” January’s smile returns, her dimples showing, “Jillian’s occupied with her Care Bears program, I hope you’re hungry.”

 

“Smells delicious, what are you making?”

 

“Käsespätzle, meine Geliebte.”

 

“Sooo….macaroni and cheese?”

 

“This is much better than that Italian knock-off,” Jan scoffs, suppressing a grin.

 

“I feel like the Italians may have beaten you to that one,” Rebecca teases, receiving a feigned look of disgust on Jan’s face.

 

“You’re a true German girl, January Holtzmann. It’s what I admire most.”

 

“Oh is it?”

 

“Yes. I’m afraid this Irish lass has finally met her match.”

 

“Hmm…” January responds softly, taking to heart both meanings of the doctor’s words.

 

Rebecca smiles, “So - which one’s her favorite?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Which Care Bear does she like the best?”

 

“Bec, it’s not her birthday for another three months, she’s going to think every time you come over she gets a gift.”

 

“Good – which one does she like then?”

 

“Jillian! Come here, love! … Ask her yourself.”

 

“Hi Tiger Cub, which little bear do you like best?”

 

Jillian smiles sheepishly, taking the scientist’s hand and leading her into the living room.

 

The two stand in front of the old television set until a brown bear with a pink and red heart in the center of their chest comes onto the screen.

 

Jill raises her eyes to the left to catch Rebecca’s gaze.

 

“You like that one?”

 

Jill nods.

 

“What’s their name?”

 

“Tenner Hardened Bear”

 

“Tender Hearted Bear?” Rebecca asks.

 

Jillian nods, pressing her cheek into Rebecca’s side.

 

Rebecca melts. “Good choice, little bird.”

 

Jillian’s gaze goes back to the TV until her eyes light up when another bear pops onto the screen. This one’s pink with a rainbow on their chest. Jillian points from the TV and then pokes Rebecca’s side.

 

“You like them too?”

 

Jillian pokes her side again.

 

“For me?”

 

Jill nods.

 

“What’s their name?”

 

“Cheer Bear.”

 

Rebecca never thought of herself as the cheerful type, but her defenses seem to be coming down and incapable of going back up.

 

The woman bends down so she’s on Jillian’s level.

 

“Which one does January – your Mama, like best, you think?”

 

They wait a moment until a light blue bear with a shooting star on their chest comes into frame, and Jillian’s eyes light up.

 

“That one? Let me guess their name, ‘Most Beautiful Bear in the World Bear?’”

 

Jillian blushes, smiling, “Wish Bear.”

 

“Why do you think she’d like Wish Bear best?”

 

Jillian points to her own chest.

 

“You?” Rebecca asks quietly, “you're her wish?”

 

Jillian nods, wise beyond her years.

 

Rebecca smiles, squeezing her tiny hand, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

 

“Alright then, Tiger Cub, maybe Santa’s Tooth Fairy or one of their Easter Elves will bring me a Care Bear for you the next time I come visit…Would you like that?”

 

Jillian nods a big punctuated nod, eyes super serious, “But if they don’t bring it to you, will you still come back?”

 

That does it. The dam on Dr. Gorin’s tear-ducts gives way.

 

“Becca??” January calls, “This food isn’t going to eat itself.....Bec, what’s wrong?”

 

Rebecca holds Jillian in her arms, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

 

“I love you,” the older woman replies, looking up, “both of you.”

 

 

 


	29. Wink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i'm alive.  
> i've missed you all.

Erin fries a pan of green tomatoes for their dinner as Jillian comes barreling through the front door, arms loaded down with paper bags.

 

For the past three days, the two women have barely gotten out of bed, taking breaks to go swimming in the afternoon. Jillian’s an old pro now...she still lets Erin guide her around in the deeper parts. She likes the connection.

 

“It’s more fun with you E.G.,” the blonde huffs as she heaves down the groceries in her arms.

 

“What?” Erin asks, caught off guard.

 

“Everything…” the younger woman pouts, “But I think I got everything on the list…I may have forgotten – where did I – ” she fumbles, looking for the list Erin made for her, retrieving a half crumpled version from the pocket of her trousers.

 

“It’s fine, sweetheart, I’m sure you got it all, if not – we’ll make do or improvise, ok?”

 

Jillian looks bewildered.

 

“Is it that you don’t like to shop?” Erin asks, flipping over the crackling tomatoes.

 

Holtz shakes her head, looking discombobulated, “I just – wanted to do it all – right.”

 

“You did do it all right…” Erin motions, “Come here,” she instructs, pulling Jillian into her side. “Don’t let the rigid standards I set for myself trap you...I want you to be comfortable to be you – next time I won’t even send you with a list, you can just –

 

“No.” Jill stops her. Her icy stare fixed on the pink floral bows on Erin’s sandals.

 

“I like your lists…I want you to send me with a list because…I like doing things for you.”

 

Erin pulls back, lifting Jillian’s chin to meet her intense blue eyes.

 

“Well, honey…I like that you want to take care of me by indulging my list-making” – Jill’s eyes soften, thankful Erin understands what she’s feeling without being able to properly express it – “And that’s good enough for me, okay?”

 

“Okay,” the blonde answers, licking her lips and relaxing her shoulders.

 

“I liked the thought of you out shopping while I was tidying up and starting dinner…” Erin trails off blushing.

 

“You did?” Holtz asks, her curiosity piqued.

 

“Yes…it’s all very domestic and silly,” Erin answers.

 

“Not silly, E.G.”

 

“No?”

 

“Mm Mm.”

 

Holtz waits a beat.

 

“What if I…just go out to the porch - while you finish cooking…get my hands dirty with some tools…I’m almost finished with a new proto-ty _pe_ …” Holtz enthuses, popping the p.

_There’s that fucking wink_ , Erin thinks.

 

It gets her every time.

 

“That, uh, that’d be, uh, fine, yeah, t-o-t-ally casual…sure,” the physicist stammers, getting more frazzled by the second.

 

“Okay, then,” Holtz replies nonchalantly, “I’ll just be out here, withhh…my tools…if you need me.”

 

“Okay, yep,” Erin answers breathily -

 

“Just, ah, just, dinner will be ready soon…so don’t get too.

..dirty…or sweat, or sweaty. We’ll have to wash you…off.”

 

She’s losing it. She’s going to cum right there in the kitchen.

 

“I won’t,” Holtz answers with another wink, sashaying off to the porch.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i love all of your comments, they're heartwarming (,:


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